Cervical Mucus and Canola Oil...Oh My!

When I started this journey I knew I would be doing things that might be a little out of my comfort zone. Things such as no caffeine-no sugar and sex every other night, were kind of expected. But if you would have told me that I would become intimately familiar with my cervical mucus (CM) and would be using Canola Oil as a lubricant, I would have paid for your ticket to Crazy Town. Let me explain before you think the worst...well whatever you are thinking is probably about right.

Cervical Mucus: That lovely slimy mucus that assists the sperm's journey to the egg. You sometimes will find it on your underwear before your period. Well, even though I daily monitor my bbt and still use OPK's, but the texture and color of my CM is actually my best indicator of when I am ovulating. When it is the opaque color of an egg white and has nearly the same stretchy consistency, I have to grab my husband and get busy.
Yes, I do actually touch the slime to see if it stretches. If it is too runny or too thick that means I have either missed my peak ovulation days or I am too early. The first time I did this, last month, I was so grossed out. But I was also super excited too because I was ovulating!!!Unfortunately, Flor wasn't as excited about it as I was. In fact, he kind of freaked out and wasn't too eager to try to make a baby with me right then. Big Oops!!!! I guess he really needs only so much knowledge of the workings of my womanly parts. This month however, I steeled myself and refused to get grossed out. I also didn't feel the need to share it with my husband for which I am pretty sure he was grateful.
If nothing else comes from this journey, I at least have gotten to know myself and my body lots better and so has my poor, dear husband.

The Canola Oil Story!

Well, in all my research of things to increase my chances at conceiving, my husband and I over looked one major area. Lube! Research indicates that lubricants, even KY Jelly and Vaseline, actually hinder the sperms motility and can even cause them to die prematurely. A sperm friendly lubricant is recommended. Since I couldn't find any at the drugstore, I went online. I found two popular brands, Pre-Seed and another one I can't remember right now. I was all ready to purchase them when I saw the ridiculous price of $16.50 for Pre-Seed and nearly $20 for the other brand. As I have ranted before, I already spend a large amount of money each month on this journey and I wasn't looking forward to increasing the budget. I usually spend $1.50 on generic Walmart brand KY Jelly. I am too cheap to even splurge on those cool smelling warming lubes that are supposed to enhance my pleasure. Needless to say I wasn't thrilled about spending that much money on something I would probably finish in two weeks due to the fact I would be using it nearly every other night. Anyway while I was reading the customer reviews of the products on Amazon, I came across a few customers who said that using Canola Oil actually worked better. CANOLA OIL?? WHAT?? I am trying to make a baby not fry a chicken down there. However the more I read, the more curious I became and decided to try it. Walmart has its own brand of Canola Oil, so it only cost about $2.50. A little more than KY but hey, I can deal with that. Once again I made the mistake of sharing this new found information with my husband. And again he freaked out a bit. He was adamant against using something used for cooking in the bedroom. Even when I told him the price of the others he still wasn't convinced. He said he would rather use nothing at all. Um...ouch! No thank you! So feeling discouraged I accepted his decision and didn't bring it up again. UNTIL I came up with another brilliant plan. You may think I am being deceitful or manipulative, but hey unless you were put in my situation you shouldn't judge. Anyway, I decided to empty the tube of KY Jelly and rinse it out thoroughly and then refilled it with Canola oil. It has been a month and Flor hasn't noticed a difference. Manipulative...maybe, but I prefer to call resourceful! I plan on telling him one day and I am sure we will have good laugh.

Well folks, that's all for today. I'll post again soon!


Love and Canola oil,
Brandy

I'm Baaack! I Haven't Given Up...I Promise!

Hello Faithful Followers of My Journey to Motherhood blog. Sorry it's been so long. I have some technical difficulties. First my computer was acting up and then my Internet wouldn't connect. It was as if the forces of Cyber Space and Popular Mechanics were conspiring against me and having a good laugh at my lack of knowledge of either. Anyway, I'm back and have much to share with you.

Okay, where to start...? Well I'm not pregnant yet, but I am still staying faithful to the journey. I did ovulate again this month, and just yesterday and today I have had a little spotting. So even though I have yet to receive that BFP, I still am considering this journey a success because I have lost 10lbs and have begun ovulating on my own. I have added two more supplements to my daily routine. I purchased the two basic supps from Fertilaid. One is supposed to help increase ovulation through the herb Vitex (extrememly important for hormone balance) and the other will help increase my cervical mucus. I truly believe that these have aided in my ovulation this month. Other positives...my prenatal vitamins have made my hair grow quickly and shiny and my nails are growing too. YEAH!!!

Keep praying for me, I feel really confident that my time for motherhood is near!!!

AF Update... WITW!!! (What In The World?)

My celebration of AF was cut short because she did not stay! She only came that one day, WITW? I am not sure what that means. I am a little nervous because that has never happened before. I am hoping it was just a mix up, but it is a little difficult to track my cycle now. I am just going to consider day three and hope that I will be ovulating again in a two weeks or so. I will keep you updated, but right now I am just going to continue as if this were a normal cycle. I am taking my temp twice a day as soon as I wake up. I guess I will have to invest in more OPK's...grr. I was hopping I would be able to calculate my ovu days without them.
Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. Maybe next month we'll have an AF party, with balloons, streamers and cake. Ha Ha Ha! So...here's to hoping that good ol' AF comes back!

Guess Who Came for a Visit...???

Yes, that is correct, the infamous AF came for a visit this morning. I was kind of expecting her since I recently took a pregnancy test that was a BFN(Big Fat Negative). I am actually very happy to see her because it means that all the hard work I have put in to being faithful to my diet, supplements,exercise and prayer has worked. YEAH!! Now I can better track my bbt and get a more accurate temp. I can also get a better idea of when I will ovulate that way I am not strictly relying on my CM and OPK's. Pray with me that with continued faithfulness to the fertility food plan and lifestyle that I will continue to ovulate and hopefully soon turn that BFN into a BFP!
Thank you my friends for your support through this journey so far. It has been only by the goodness of God and your faithful encouragement that I have stuck to my journey and not given up. When sugar called my name, I replied with a BFN, because then I would have to tell and disappoint my blog buddies. When the seductive scent of coffee wafted through my home, I said "NO, sir. None for this baby-ready body!" I have lost nearly 12lbs since I started this journey. I feel better, (well not today...day 1 of AF is always a bite in the butt.) But in general I have tons more energy, a much better attitude (leading to a happy husband), and definitely a better relationship with God.
The journey is far from over, or at least a month or so away, but I am more committed to this journey than ever, because so far it has been a success. Yes, I know I am probably the only person alive who is celebrating that monthly visit and considering it a gift from God, rather than the curse of Eve. However, I may be happy this month to see good ol' auntie Flo, but if the woman comes back next month I might not be so hospitable.

Goal 1: Make myself ovulate...DONE! 3/11/10

Goal 2: Conceive a Baby!!

"I would have despaired unless I would have believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord..." (Psalm 27:13)

Encouragement from God!

These days my Bible reading has consistently focused on the goodness of God and comfort in His will for my life. I am constantly reminding myself, that even though I don't have a child of my own, God is still good! I have spent numerous days studying the familiar stories of Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth, looking for encouragement. I have also spent a good many days telling myself that my struggle with infertility is God's will for me and that I need to stop crying over it and rejoice about all the things I do have. While this is true, the God has blessed me greatly and He deserves my praise for it, I was excited to find a verse that reminds me that it is okay to grieve for my empty womb. In fact, according to this verse, He seems to validate it.

"There are three things that will not be satisfied, four that will not say, Enough. Sheol [Death] and the barren womb, Earth that is never satisfied with water, and fire that never says, Enough" (Proverbs 30:15b-16)

A book I am reading about infertility explained this verse this way. The barren womb is considered to have a force parallel to these natural forces. This verse personifies these natural entities, if they could speak they would NOT say "I am satisfied, I need more." Just as death will never say "no one else can die, because the I am satisfied that the underworld is full enough", and the Earth continues to absorb water left on its surface after a rain storm, and a fire unless it has run out of fuel, will not stop because it thinks it has burned enough, the barren womb doesn't stop desiring a child just because it hasn't happened yet. "It is natural for a childless couple to desire children and feel unsatisfied when the desire goes unmet. Such lack of being content or satisfied is the natural order of things" (The Infertility Companion, Sandra L. Glahn and William H. Cutter)

This verse reminds that God understands what I am going through. He created these laws of nature, He has given my husband and me the desire for children. It is a good and natural desire and when it doesn't happen it is devastating. And while other people may try to minimize our pain of infertility by considering our grief and discontent ungodly or faithless, My God doesn't minimize our pain. While I know this doesn't give me an excuse to sin, it does comfort me to know that I can cry over the pain of a non existent child, and God understands.

Things an Infertile Should Never Do!

Just as there are things that shouldn't be said to infertiles, there are also things we infertiles should never do. Yesterday I went to the doctors office with one of my friends; she is 17 weeks pregnant. I was more than happy to be there for moral support, and thought nothing of it at the time. I was glad to be with my friend, whom I haven't spent time with in a while. Anyway, sitting in the waiting room proved to be a little disconcerting. In my head I knew there would be other pregnant woman there, but for some reason seeing so many in one room filled me with the strongest mix of desire and disappointment. My desire to join the ranks of the glowing woman, dressed in cute maternity clothes smiling as she rubs her round belly skyrocketed. My disappointment by the fact that it may not happen for me also skyrocketed. Watching the little kids run around while their mothers scold them for being to loud, all the while giving that proud but embarrassed look that their child has just figured out that if he speaks loud enough the whole room will chuckle with him. It was almost too much for me to handle. I hid my feelings from my friend; I did not want my infertility to hinder her excitement in anyway. And I am truly excited for her, she is already a great mom of two boys and she is hoping this is her girl. After I returned home I decided that an OB/Gyn waiting room is definitely a place that woman with fertility problems should never go. Here is a list of few other things infertiles should never do or ever go:

1. Should never offer to host a baby shower. I did this after our first failed treatment of Clomid. It was uncomfortable because many of the woman knew my problem, and they didn't know how to deal with it. I was uncomfortable because I felt like no matter how much attention I tried to give to the mommy-to-be, I seemed to be the one who drew the attention. I was embarrassed. I will never host one again.
2. Never visit Babies R Us.
3. Church on Mother's day. This is hard for those who aren't mother's and who have lost their mothers.
4. Chuck E Cheese
5. The Mall around the holidays.

Avoiding these things may seem silly or selfish, but if they keep me from not dwelling on what I don't have so much, then it is for the best. I am reminded enough of my lack of child by that empty spot in my otherwise full heart, I don't need to torture myself. As I have said before, infertility is one of the most selfish diseases. Even the most selfless person, can become selfish when it comes to being unable to conceive the desired child. I think that it is inevitable that woman become selfish about motherhood in a good way. Whether they have children or not motherhood is something that a woman goes through on her own. While she loves her husband, and that relationship comes first. A mother's love is something that unless you're on the giving or receiving end you will not understand. It's powerful, it's heartbreaking, its fulfilling, it's unconditional, and it's selfish in that you don't want to share it with another. I was lucky to have the love of three mothers, one biological, and two adopted. However, do you think my biological mother ever allowed me to call those other women MOM, no. If she hadn't raised me for half of my life it would be a different story, but since she didn't want to share motherhood with them. You who are mothers are sure to understand. I think sometimes selfishness is okay, especially when applied to motherhood. I almost think it is deserved.

Prep for Pap! Sometimes it's hard being a woman...

I just scheduled an appointment for my annual Pap. I don't know about you, but I absolutely dread them. I don't really think anyone particularly enjoys them, but my dread comes more from fear than anything else. Yes, that's right I fear the smear! It causes me days worth of anxiety for such a stupid reason: I become overly self conscious. I know that gynecologists are professionals and they see many vaginas daily and mine is but a blip on their radar. It may be because of my chaste upbringing, or because my husband is the only other one to be down there (other than my gyno & fertility doctor ) or because I am actually nuts; but while I am laying on that cold, uncomfortable table covered with that scratchy crepe paper and my legs are in what I can only assume to be a medieval torture device and my butt is hanging off the table, I am thinking ridiculous things like...did I landscape my garden well enough? Did I do it too much and he will think I did it just for this appointment? Wait...was I supposed to landscape or not, don't some doctors prefer you don't, I can't remember what this doctor prefers. Do I smell down there? I didn't smell anything, but maybe I have a cold, or do I have to have my nose down there in order to smell it? What if he gets inappropriate with me? What if I fart? Please, Lord don't let me fart! My anxiety is further enhanced when the tormentor (doctor) says "Just relax, it will go much more smoothly if you just relax. Take some deep breathes." Now, I am more nervous and a little perturbed. I want to say, "Why don't we switch places and see how well you relax, Mister." You may be thinking: well , Brandy if a male gyno causes you this much anxiety switch to a female...I have, and I have most of the same thoughts but they are more worrisome because women are more critical and catty about other woman, professional or not. And in my experience females tend to be a little less gentle. Am I certifiable? Maybe, but we all have our fears and this is one of mine,second only to clowns. Aack!

******I have come up with a great idea that will save us all this hassle, yes, it may put some gynecologists out of business, but that is a risk I am willing to take. I think someone should invent the an in-home pap smear test. Kind of like a home pregnancy test...all we have to is take it home, insert it and wait three minutes for it to say NORMAL or ABNORMAL. Of course if it is abnormal you must visit your doctor immediately(see I am not actually putting all gyno's out of business) however, if it is normal, how wonderful for you. Think about it...how many times have you gone in for this uncomfortable, torturous procedure only to wait a very long week until you receive a phone call or a letter, telling you everything is normal? If we had an in-home pap test, we would only have to spread, scoot and hang when absolutely necessary. Go ahead and say it- I am a genius for this having this idea. I kind of have to agree with you! However, we must insist that who ever invents this be a female, because if the inventor happens to be male we know it be complicated, lack instructions , and require a power tool, and we will probably some how still end up on our backs. I am sure I have given you all some fun things to think about at your next appointment... Happy Pappy to you all!