My Inspiration

My Inspiration
"Soon, I'll have my little angel"

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Happy Mother's Day!!

The last three years of Mother's day have been difficult because they are yet another reminder of what I most want in this world but don't yet have. This year for Mother's Day I decided not to focus on me and my not being a mother; instead I decided to torture myself on a 3 mile walk for Breast Cancer Research. It was blast!! I met some wonderful people, and some breast cancer survivors who put me to shame with their positive attitude towards what they cannot change but are on a journey to try. Of these women that I met some have lost their breasts, some have lost their mothers, grandmothers, sisters and daughters, some have lost their hair and have suffered losses of which I will probably never understand. Being with these strong, beautiful women made me feel small, but not in a bad way. I felt like in the grand scheme of things I am one of the luckiest people in the world, and too often I forget that because it's so much easier to dwell on the negative than to thank God for the positive.

I know my infertility is no small matter, believe me, I know! And nothing can really make the empty ache of my heart go away, except of course a BFP! But this weekend was a nice reminder that each woman in this world is on their own journey, some are on a journey to find a cure for breast cancer, some are on a journey of high risk pregnancy, or a journey of first-time pregnancy or a journey of infertility. Each journey is difficult and each journey consumes the everyday life of the woman on it. I don't know about you but that makes me feel a little less alone in my own journey.

My participation in this walk did little to lessen my ache to be a mother, but it did give me the encouragement to keep on my journey. Some of the woman I met were fighting for their lives and the lives of their future generations, and if they give up they die. My journey is not a fight a for my life, my sanity maybe, but not my life, so how dare I contemplate the thought of just giving up and saying, "maybe I'm just not meant to be mother." And yes, I have thought that many times in the last few months. My journey to motherhood is just as important to me as the the journey for a cure is to the woman with breast cancer.

So, whatever journey you are on I encourage you to continue on that journey with the fervor of a breast cancer patient on a journey for a cure. Don't Give Up! I know I won't.

I hope you all had an amazing Mother's Day. Hopefully next year we'll all celebrate together!

Monday, May 3, 2010

A Day in the Life of an Infertile...

**The thing that makes this so funny is the fact that it is so true...just ask anyone who is or has struggled with TTC. Seriously this is what we do!

BBT Lessons by Rebecca Smith Waddell

Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes.

As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, "Just relax, it'll work out" -- chances are you'll hear that a few times today.

Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you're really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window.

While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you're lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you're done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, "You're probably just not trying hard enough" -- it won't be the last time you hear that today.

If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse -- and all the while remember not "to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life." After you're done, prop your buttocks up so it's higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you're going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, "If you can't even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?" -- another comment you'll get at some point during the day.

When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, "This is the easy part" -- you'll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!

BBT Lessons by Rebecca Smith Waddell (copyright 1996)

Saturday, May 1, 2010

2WW: The Longest 14 Days of an Infertile!

You know you are in the 2ww (2 week waiting period) when...

  1. You start eating for 2, just in case :)
  2. You swear you feel nauseated and inexplicably tired (PSS)*
  3. You fight the urge to create your baby registry at Babies R US.
  4. You tell yourself those aren't AF cramps, you just have to poop.
  5. You repeat the mantra: If you don't buy tampons, She (AF) won't come. (Your husband will appreciate the homage to the movie "Field of Dreams" If you build it, they will come.)
  6. You don't have intercourse on Days 10-16 because..."Really, what's the point? And you need the rest anyway."
  7. You change the names of your future children at least 500 times only to only to settle on your original selections.
  8. You suddenly notice that EVERY other woman in the world is pregnant.
  9. You know that each day that passes is one day closer to either another EB (emotional breakdown) or to a "Oh crap, how am I going to pay for college?"
  10. You are actually counting down the days until you can wake up and pee on a stick! Ahh what an exciting life we infertiles live.

*Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome (PSS) - a psychosomatic condition afflicting women during the two-week waiting period; marked by a tendency to incorrectly attribute every bodily twinge and twitch to the early stages of pregnancy.