Happy Mother's Day!!

The last three years of Mother's day have been difficult because they are yet another reminder of what I most want in this world but don't yet have. This year for Mother's Day I decided not to focus on me and my not being a mother; instead I decided to torture myself on a 3 mile walk for Breast Cancer Research. It was blast!! I met some wonderful people, and some breast cancer survivors who put me to shame with their positive attitude towards what they cannot change but are on a journey to try. Of these women that I met some have lost their breasts, some have lost their mothers, grandmothers, sisters and daughters, some have lost their hair and have suffered losses of which I will probably never understand. Being with these strong, beautiful women made me feel small, but not in a bad way. I felt like in the grand scheme of things I am one of the luckiest people in the world, and too often I forget that because it's so much easier to dwell on the negative than to thank God for the positive.

I know my infertility is no small matter, believe me, I know! And nothing can really make the empty ache of my heart go away, except of course a BFP! But this weekend was a nice reminder that each woman in this world is on their own journey, some are on a journey to find a cure for breast cancer, some are on a journey of high risk pregnancy, or a journey of first-time pregnancy or a journey of infertility. Each journey is difficult and each journey consumes the everyday life of the woman on it. I don't know about you but that makes me feel a little less alone in my own journey.

My participation in this walk did little to lessen my ache to be a mother, but it did give me the encouragement to keep on my journey. Some of the woman I met were fighting for their lives and the lives of their future generations, and if they give up they die. My journey is not a fight a for my life, my sanity maybe, but not my life, so how dare I contemplate the thought of just giving up and saying, "maybe I'm just not meant to be mother." And yes, I have thought that many times in the last few months. My journey to motherhood is just as important to me as the the journey for a cure is to the woman with breast cancer.

So, whatever journey you are on I encourage you to continue on that journey with the fervor of a breast cancer patient on a journey for a cure. Don't Give Up! I know I won't.

I hope you all had an amazing Mother's Day. Hopefully next year we'll all celebrate together!

A Day in the Life of an Infertile...

**The thing that makes this so funny is the fact that it is so true...just ask anyone who is or has struggled with TTC. Seriously this is what we do!

BBT Lessons by Rebecca Smith Waddell

Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes.

As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, "Just relax, it'll work out" -- chances are you'll hear that a few times today.

Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you're really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window.

While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you're lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you're done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, "You're probably just not trying hard enough" -- it won't be the last time you hear that today.

If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse -- and all the while remember not "to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life." After you're done, prop your buttocks up so it's higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you're going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, "If you can't even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?" -- another comment you'll get at some point during the day.

When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, "This is the easy part" -- you'll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!

BBT Lessons by Rebecca Smith Waddell (copyright 1996)

2WW: The Longest 14 Days of an Infertile!

You know you are in the 2ww (2 week waiting period) when...

1. You start eating for 2, just in case :)
2. You swear you feel nauseated and inexplicably tired (PSS)*
3. You fight the urge to create your baby registry at Babies R US.
4. You tell yourself those aren't AF cramps, you just have to poop.
5. You repeat the mantra: If you don't buy tampons, She (AF) won't come. (Your husband will appreciate the homage to the movie "Field of Dreams" If you build it, they will come.)
6. You don't have intercourse on Days 10-16 because..."Really, what's the point? And you need the rest anyway."
7. You change the names of your future children at least 500 times only to only to settle on your original selections.
8. You suddenly notice that EVERY other woman in the world is pregnant.
9. You know that each day that passes is one day closer to either another EB (emotional breakdown) or to a "Oh crap, how am I going to pay for college?"
10. You are actually counting down the days until you can wake up and pee on a stick! Ahh what an exciting life we infertiles live.

*Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome (PSS) - a psychosomatic condition afflicting women during the two-week waiting period; marked by a tendency to incorrectly attribute every bodily twinge and twitch to the early stages of pregnancy.

Incentives...Nurseries!

I know I really having been on this journey very long, nearly five months, but I am starting to get a little bored. I am consistently sticking to my diet and exercise, only cheating on Sunday's :). However, waiting for the BFN or AF is starting to get mundane. I am having trouble finding pithy things to write about on this blog, I mean I'm seriously teetering on describing my CM and telling you my daily BBT. (97.8, today-no CM today). See? Not very interesting. So in honor of my three pregnant friends who have all recently found out what they are having. I decided to research some nursery ideas that I like. I thought maybe this would give me a little a encouragement to "keep on keeping on!" (Such a silly saying, but hey, it fits.) These were some of my faves I found on line. I have always a wanted a round crib. So in the pictures, just imagine the theme, with a round crib.

Boy Nursery #1- I love the green! It has my round crib, and don't you just love the window treatment, and the round mirror? I am not a fan of the cheesy stork-that would have to go

Boy Nursery #2. I have never been a fan of powder blue, but I like it here with the deep brown contrast. The wall is really unique. And that chair...looks so comfy.

Boy Nursery#3- Well, actually it is just the bedding and mobile I like. I would love, love, love to have a New York Yankees nursery. Even if I am married to Cubs fan. I found Yankee pinstripe wall paper.




Boy Nursery # 4 I love the Safari theme. The colors are bold but aren't so bright that you get dizzy. Again the brown and blue, I love it. It might actually be kind of a turquoise. I always wanted my boys nursery to be green, but some of these blues are making me re-think.

And now for the girls:

Girl Nursery #1-I wish this picture was bigger. I really like the purple walls, with the cream colored furniture. I would probably decorate the walls with butterflies since I love them.


Nursery #2- I really like the modern feel to this one. The stripes and polka-dots are fun. This is a theme that could carry on into grade school years. The pink wall might be a little much.

Girl Nursery #3- I like the pink ceiling. It gives a girlie feel without over doing it. Again I would replace the tree mural with a butterfly.

Girl Nursery# 4- This is by far my favorite! In fact I have it saved to my computer because I love it so much. I wouldn't change a single thing. The yellow wallpaper is a perfect back drop for the black and white. The cute lamp and pink pillow are just perfect touches. I WANT this room.

A Sarah, Rachel and Hannah Day.

Along this journey I have spent much time studying the women of the Bible who also struggled with fertility. Sarah, Rachel and Hannah are the most familiar. Each woman dealt with their infertility in a differently giving a blueprint of how I should or shouldn't deal with it. I decided that I would compartmentalize my feelings and actions about my struggle with infertility, between a Sarah Day, A Rachel Day, A Leah Day or a Hannah Day.

**A Sarah Day is day when I am lacking the faith to believe that God CAN give me a baby and that nothing is too hard for Him. Sarah was the first infertile woman mentioned in the Bible. She went through 90 years of cycles trying to conceive. Her lack of faith caused her to literally laugh when God promised her that she would have a son despite the fact she was beyond childbearing years. God, of course fulfilled His promise and she gave birth Isaac.

**A Rachel Day is a day when I am struggling not to become obsessed with my desire for a baby. A day when I have to ask myself what do I love more? When I first read the story of Rachel I felt sorry for her. She fell in love with Jacob and was supposed to marry him, but her father played a terrible trick on Jacob and he ended up marrying Rachel's sister Leah. When Rachel and Jacob finally married, they were sad to learn that she was infertile. However, Leah was a Fertile Myrtle breeding jealousy in Rachel. Rachel became so desperate to have a baby that she did some pretty horrible things. Her most notable deed was when she pimped out Jacob to Leah in exchange for some Mandrakes (a plant that was considered a fertility drug at that time.) She put too much stock in the mandrakes, as many infertile woman today do with Clomid and IVF treatments. However her actions came back to bite her because on that night Jacob slept with Leah, and Leah conceived yet another child. And Rachel didn't.
Rachel's obsession with conceiving caused to her to be ungrateful for the child she finally did have, Joseph, whose name means "to add" because she wanted God to add more children to her. Rachel's response to getting what she wanted was not to thank God and be happy with her baby, instead she was selfish and wanted more. And when she gave birth again, she died. The very thing that consumed her life, ended up claiming it. The thing that was became more important to her than God, eventually destroyed her. Needless to say...a Rachel day is a bad day.

**A Hannah Day is a day when I decide to worship the God of fertility rather than the fertility gods. In the day of Hannah, many people looked to Baal, who was known as the the god who gave fertility. But Hannah knew better. She knew that only the God of heaven could give fertility and so she prayed faithfully to Him. Her prayer was a heartbreaking plea for God to bless her with a child so that she could raise the child to be a follower of God. She promised to give the child up for God's service if He would give her one. God did. She gave birth to Samuel. When Samuel was old enough Hannah took him to the temple to live. There he learned to be a servant of God. Unlike Rachel, Hannah loved God more than she wanted to be a mother.

I wish I could say that in my life Hannah Days were more common than they are. Unfortunately, I tend to have more Rachel and Sarah Days, even though I strive to have a Hannah Day everyday. I think today is one :)

**I think the examples of these woman can be used in aspects other than fertility. The questions are still the same, the object is different. Ask yourself these questions and insert your struggle in the blank.

1. Is _______ too hard for God? Do I believe God can do________?
(This is the lesson we learn on from Sarah.)

2. Do you love__________more than anything else, including God? What do you love most in this world? Am I obsessed with___________?
(This is the lesson we learn from Rachel.)

3. What or Whom do you worship? (This is our lesson from Hannah)

My hope is that you have more Hannah Day's than than any other!!

"Faith is not so much believing that God WILL provide a child, but believing that NOTHING is too hard for Him" -The Infertility Companion

I took a pregnancy test this morning-BFN. I had been feeling funny lately and had some weird pains in my lower abdomen and since I had only spotting the week I was supposed to have a period, I thought maybe. Each time I do this, I tell myself not to get my hopes up and I don't really, but yet every negative hits me like a punch in the gut. I am not crying or having one of my infertility meltdowns. I'm just...disappointed. We are in the middle of the fourth month of my journey, though I have been getting BFN for the last few years, It seems like a long time, and truthfully I really thought I would be pregnant by now. I have done everything right, lost weight, exercising daily, sticking to diet. I know, I know, it's just not God's timing for me. I know I must be patient, but I am human and it is difficult sometimes. But...I will keep trusting God, do my part, and prepare myself to be the best mother possible for my future child.

Even though today is kind of a Sarah* day I am going to leave with a picture of my first baby. A gift from my husband because, and I quote..."I know your sad about not being pregnant, so maybe having something to do during the day will help. Here, he'll keep you company." God bless the man, because I had some ugly thoughts passing through my mind. As if some dog would replace the fact that I don't have a child. I know he meant it lovingly and I truly do appreciate the gesture...now. However, my hubby knew something I didn't. This puppy truly did give me "something" to do during the day-because obviously cooking, and cleaning don't count as "something"- (sorry, still a little bitter 'bout that comment). Anyway, the puppy did do a good job keeping me company, and taking care of him was a lot like taking care of a baby. Or, so I think...he eats, poops, and sleeps. I swear, I thought there was something wrong with him because he slept so much. Now, I can't imagine being without him. May I present to you... Roscoe Escamilla:

He's a big boy and is going to get bigger. On Saturday's check up and booster shots he weighed 32.5 lbs almost ten pounds more than four weeks before at his first appointment. The vet said he could get close to 70 to 80 pounds. From the size of his paws, I believe it.

As of today he is 16 weeks about 4 months old. He is a black lab/boxer mix. He is too cute and a really good boy. We love him so much. I'll post more pics soon.

Tomorrow, I will explain what a Sarah day is.

Cervical Mucus and Canola Oil...Oh My!

When I started this journey I knew I would be doing things that might be a little out of my comfort zone. Things such as no caffeine-no sugar and sex every other night, were kind of expected. But if you would have told me that I would become intimately familiar with my cervical mucus (CM) and would be using Canola Oil as a lubricant, I would have paid for your ticket to Crazy Town. Let me explain before you think the worst...well whatever you are thinking is probably about right.

Cervical Mucus: That lovely slimy mucus that assists the sperm's journey to the egg. You sometimes will find it on your underwear before your period. Well, even though I daily monitor my bbt and still use OPK's, but the texture and color of my CM is actually my best indicator of when I am ovulating. When it is the opaque color of an egg white and has nearly the same stretchy consistency, I have to grab my husband and get busy.
Yes, I do actually touch the slime to see if it stretches. If it is too runny or too thick that means I have either missed my peak ovulation days or I am too early. The first time I did this, last month, I was so grossed out. But I was also super excited too because I was ovulating!!!Unfortunately, Flor wasn't as excited about it as I was. In fact, he kind of freaked out and wasn't too eager to try to make a baby with me right then. Big Oops!!!! I guess he really needs only so much knowledge of the workings of my womanly parts. This month however, I steeled myself and refused to get grossed out. I also didn't feel the need to share it with my husband for which I am pretty sure he was grateful.
If nothing else comes from this journey, I at least have gotten to know myself and my body lots better and so has my poor, dear husband.

The Canola Oil Story!

Well, in all my research of things to increase my chances at conceiving, my husband and I over looked one major area. Lube! Research indicates that lubricants, even KY Jelly and Vaseline, actually hinder the sperms motility and can even cause them to die prematurely. A sperm friendly lubricant is recommended. Since I couldn't find any at the drugstore, I went online. I found two popular brands, Pre-Seed and another one I can't remember right now. I was all ready to purchase them when I saw the ridiculous price of $16.50 for Pre-Seed and nearly $20 for the other brand. As I have ranted before, I already spend a large amount of money each month on this journey and I wasn't looking forward to increasing the budget. I usually spend $1.50 on generic Walmart brand KY Jelly. I am too cheap to even splurge on those cool smelling warming lubes that are supposed to enhance my pleasure. Needless to say I wasn't thrilled about spending that much money on something I would probably finish in two weeks due to the fact I would be using it nearly every other night. Anyway while I was reading the customer reviews of the products on Amazon, I came across a few customers who said that using Canola Oil actually worked better. CANOLA OIL?? WHAT?? I am trying to make a baby not fry a chicken down there. However the more I read, the more curious I became and decided to try it. Walmart has its own brand of Canola Oil, so it only cost about $2.50. A little more than KY but hey, I can deal with that. Once again I made the mistake of sharing this new found information with my husband. And again he freaked out a bit. He was adamant against using something used for cooking in the bedroom. Even when I told him the price of the others he still wasn't convinced. He said he would rather use nothing at all. Um...ouch! No thank you! So feeling discouraged I accepted his decision and didn't bring it up again. UNTIL I came up with another brilliant plan. You may think I am being deceitful or manipulative, but hey unless you were put in my situation you shouldn't judge. Anyway, I decided to empty the tube of KY Jelly and rinse it out thoroughly and then refilled it with Canola oil. It has been a month and Flor hasn't noticed a difference. Manipulative...maybe, but I prefer to call resourceful! I plan on telling him one day and I am sure we will have good laugh.

Well folks, that's all for today. I'll post again soon!


Love and Canola oil,
Brandy

I'm Baaack! I Haven't Given Up...I Promise!

Hello Faithful Followers of My Journey to Motherhood blog. Sorry it's been so long. I have some technical difficulties. First my computer was acting up and then my Internet wouldn't connect. It was as if the forces of Cyber Space and Popular Mechanics were conspiring against me and having a good laugh at my lack of knowledge of either. Anyway, I'm back and have much to share with you.

Okay, where to start...? Well I'm not pregnant yet, but I am still staying faithful to the journey. I did ovulate again this month, and just yesterday and today I have had a little spotting. So even though I have yet to receive that BFP, I still am considering this journey a success because I have lost 10lbs and have begun ovulating on my own. I have added two more supplements to my daily routine. I purchased the two basic supps from Fertilaid. One is supposed to help increase ovulation through the herb Vitex (extrememly important for hormone balance) and the other will help increase my cervical mucus. I truly believe that these have aided in my ovulation this month. Other positives...my prenatal vitamins have made my hair grow quickly and shiny and my nails are growing too. YEAH!!!

Keep praying for me, I feel really confident that my time for motherhood is near!!!

AF Update... WITW!!! (What In The World?)

My celebration of AF was cut short because she did not stay! She only came that one day, WITW? I am not sure what that means. I am a little nervous because that has never happened before. I am hoping it was just a mix up, but it is a little difficult to track my cycle now. I am just going to consider day three and hope that I will be ovulating again in a two weeks or so. I will keep you updated, but right now I am just going to continue as if this were a normal cycle. I am taking my temp twice a day as soon as I wake up. I guess I will have to invest in more OPK's...grr. I was hopping I would be able to calculate my ovu days without them.
Thanks for your prayers and encouragement. Maybe next month we'll have an AF party, with balloons, streamers and cake. Ha Ha Ha! So...here's to hoping that good ol' AF comes back!

Guess Who Came for a Visit...???

Yes, that is correct, the infamous AF came for a visit this morning. I was kind of expecting her since I recently took a pregnancy test that was a BFN(Big Fat Negative). I am actually very happy to see her because it means that all the hard work I have put in to being faithful to my diet, supplements,exercise and prayer has worked. YEAH!! Now I can better track my bbt and get a more accurate temp. I can also get a better idea of when I will ovulate that way I am not strictly relying on my CM and OPK's. Pray with me that with continued faithfulness to the fertility food plan and lifestyle that I will continue to ovulate and hopefully soon turn that BFN into a BFP!
Thank you my friends for your support through this journey so far. It has been only by the goodness of God and your faithful encouragement that I have stuck to my journey and not given up. When sugar called my name, I replied with a BFN, because then I would have to tell and disappoint my blog buddies. When the seductive scent of coffee wafted through my home, I said "NO, sir. None for this baby-ready body!" I have lost nearly 12lbs since I started this journey. I feel better, (well not today...day 1 of AF is always a bite in the butt.) But in general I have tons more energy, a much better attitude (leading to a happy husband), and definitely a better relationship with God.
The journey is far from over, or at least a month or so away, but I am more committed to this journey than ever, because so far it has been a success. Yes, I know I am probably the only person alive who is celebrating that monthly visit and considering it a gift from God, rather than the curse of Eve. However, I may be happy this month to see good ol' auntie Flo, but if the woman comes back next month I might not be so hospitable.

Goal 1: Make myself ovulate...DONE! 3/11/10

Goal 2: Conceive a Baby!!

"I would have despaired unless I would have believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord..." (Psalm 27:13)

Encouragement from God!

These days my Bible reading has consistently focused on the goodness of God and comfort in His will for my life. I am constantly reminding myself, that even though I don't have a child of my own, God is still good! I have spent numerous days studying the familiar stories of Rachel, Hannah and Elizabeth, looking for encouragement. I have also spent a good many days telling myself that my struggle with infertility is God's will for me and that I need to stop crying over it and rejoice about all the things I do have. While this is true, the God has blessed me greatly and He deserves my praise for it, I was excited to find a verse that reminds me that it is okay to grieve for my empty womb. In fact, according to this verse, He seems to validate it.

"There are three things that will not be satisfied, four that will not say, Enough. Sheol [Death] and the barren womb, Earth that is never satisfied with water, and fire that never says, Enough" (Proverbs 30:15b-16)

A book I am reading about infertility explained this verse this way. The barren womb is considered to have a force parallel to these natural forces. This verse personifies these natural entities, if they could speak they would NOT say "I am satisfied, I need more." Just as death will never say "no one else can die, because the I am satisfied that the underworld is full enough", and the Earth continues to absorb water left on its surface after a rain storm, and a fire unless it has run out of fuel, will not stop because it thinks it has burned enough, the barren womb doesn't stop desiring a child just because it hasn't happened yet. "It is natural for a childless couple to desire children and feel unsatisfied when the desire goes unmet. Such lack of being content or satisfied is the natural order of things" (The Infertility Companion, Sandra L. Glahn and William H. Cutter)

This verse reminds that God understands what I am going through. He created these laws of nature, He has given my husband and me the desire for children. It is a good and natural desire and when it doesn't happen it is devastating. And while other people may try to minimize our pain of infertility by considering our grief and discontent ungodly or faithless, My God doesn't minimize our pain. While I know this doesn't give me an excuse to sin, it does comfort me to know that I can cry over the pain of a non existent child, and God understands.

Things an Infertile Should Never Do!

Just as there are things that shouldn't be said to infertiles, there are also things we infertiles should never do. Yesterday I went to the doctors office with one of my friends; she is 17 weeks pregnant. I was more than happy to be there for moral support, and thought nothing of it at the time. I was glad to be with my friend, whom I haven't spent time with in a while. Anyway, sitting in the waiting room proved to be a little disconcerting. In my head I knew there would be other pregnant woman there, but for some reason seeing so many in one room filled me with the strongest mix of desire and disappointment. My desire to join the ranks of the glowing woman, dressed in cute maternity clothes smiling as she rubs her round belly skyrocketed. My disappointment by the fact that it may not happen for me also skyrocketed. Watching the little kids run around while their mothers scold them for being to loud, all the while giving that proud but embarrassed look that their child has just figured out that if he speaks loud enough the whole room will chuckle with him. It was almost too much for me to handle. I hid my feelings from my friend; I did not want my infertility to hinder her excitement in anyway. And I am truly excited for her, she is already a great mom of two boys and she is hoping this is her girl. After I returned home I decided that an OB/Gyn waiting room is definitely a place that woman with fertility problems should never go. Here is a list of few other things infertiles should never do or ever go:

1. Should never offer to host a baby shower. I did this after our first failed treatment of Clomid. It was uncomfortable because many of the woman knew my problem, and they didn't know how to deal with it. I was uncomfortable because I felt like no matter how much attention I tried to give to the mommy-to-be, I seemed to be the one who drew the attention. I was embarrassed. I will never host one again.
2. Never visit Babies R Us.
3. Church on Mother's day. This is hard for those who aren't mother's and who have lost their mothers.
4. Chuck E Cheese
5. The Mall around the holidays.

Avoiding these things may seem silly or selfish, but if they keep me from not dwelling on what I don't have so much, then it is for the best. I am reminded enough of my lack of child by that empty spot in my otherwise full heart, I don't need to torture myself. As I have said before, infertility is one of the most selfish diseases. Even the most selfless person, can become selfish when it comes to being unable to conceive the desired child. I think that it is inevitable that woman become selfish about motherhood in a good way. Whether they have children or not motherhood is something that a woman goes through on her own. While she loves her husband, and that relationship comes first. A mother's love is something that unless you're on the giving or receiving end you will not understand. It's powerful, it's heartbreaking, its fulfilling, it's unconditional, and it's selfish in that you don't want to share it with another. I was lucky to have the love of three mothers, one biological, and two adopted. However, do you think my biological mother ever allowed me to call those other women MOM, no. If she hadn't raised me for half of my life it would be a different story, but since she didn't want to share motherhood with them. You who are mothers are sure to understand. I think sometimes selfishness is okay, especially when applied to motherhood. I almost think it is deserved.

Prep for Pap! Sometimes it's hard being a woman...

I just scheduled an appointment for my annual Pap. I don't know about you, but I absolutely dread them. I don't really think anyone particularly enjoys them, but my dread comes more from fear than anything else. Yes, that's right I fear the smear! It causes me days worth of anxiety for such a stupid reason: I become overly self conscious. I know that gynecologists are professionals and they see many vaginas daily and mine is but a blip on their radar. It may be because of my chaste upbringing, or because my husband is the only other one to be down there (other than my gyno & fertility doctor ) or because I am actually nuts; but while I am laying on that cold, uncomfortable table covered with that scratchy crepe paper and my legs are in what I can only assume to be a medieval torture device and my butt is hanging off the table, I am thinking ridiculous things like...did I landscape my garden well enough? Did I do it too much and he will think I did it just for this appointment? Wait...was I supposed to landscape or not, don't some doctors prefer you don't, I can't remember what this doctor prefers. Do I smell down there? I didn't smell anything, but maybe I have a cold, or do I have to have my nose down there in order to smell it? What if he gets inappropriate with me? What if I fart? Please, Lord don't let me fart! My anxiety is further enhanced when the tormentor (doctor) says "Just relax, it will go much more smoothly if you just relax. Take some deep breathes." Now, I am more nervous and a little perturbed. I want to say, "Why don't we switch places and see how well you relax, Mister." You may be thinking: well , Brandy if a male gyno causes you this much anxiety switch to a female...I have, and I have most of the same thoughts but they are more worrisome because women are more critical and catty about other woman, professional or not. And in my experience females tend to be a little less gentle. Am I certifiable? Maybe, but we all have our fears and this is one of mine,second only to clowns. Aack!

******I have come up with a great idea that will save us all this hassle, yes, it may put some gynecologists out of business, but that is a risk I am willing to take. I think someone should invent the an in-home pap smear test. Kind of like a home pregnancy test...all we have to is take it home, insert it and wait three minutes for it to say NORMAL or ABNORMAL. Of course if it is abnormal you must visit your doctor immediately(see I am not actually putting all gyno's out of business) however, if it is normal, how wonderful for you. Think about it...how many times have you gone in for this uncomfortable, torturous procedure only to wait a very long week until you receive a phone call or a letter, telling you everything is normal? If we had an in-home pap test, we would only have to spread, scoot and hang when absolutely necessary. Go ahead and say it- I am a genius for this having this idea. I kind of have to agree with you! However, we must insist that who ever invents this be a female, because if the inventor happens to be male we know it be complicated, lack instructions , and require a power tool, and we will probably some how still end up on our backs. I am sure I have given you all some fun things to think about at your next appointment... Happy Pappy to you all!

One Day at a Time!

"One day at a time!" This is the motto of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I am converting it to be the motto of my newly formed grouped: Infertiles R US! The reason I say this is because dealing with infertility is a day by day process. I have good days, I have bad days, and I have days that I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Everyday is a stuggle to get out of bed and stick to my new way of life.
At first, the difficulty we had ttc didn't affect our lives too much. We went about our days eating the same, acting the same, working at our stress inducing jobs. We both just figured it would happen eventually, no biggie. (I think with all the trouble I had with my menstrual cycle as a teenager; I kind of new I would have a bit of difficulty conceiving, but I figured there was no reason on earth that God wouldn't give me a baby. I was born to be a mother!) Even after a year of trying, we didn't really get serious about it. It wasn't until I started taking care of my eighth month old (at the time) nephew, that the pangs of desire increased and I became more determined than ever to have a baby. I wen't to my doctor and pretty much demanded he do something to make my periods come regularly. He said he would prescribe me the pill. "Um...I don't want the pill because I want to have a baby," I told him. His response was the same as all the doctors in the past. "Lose some weight, and then your cycle will return." That was when he decided to test me for PCOS. Once diagnosed he prescribed treatment...diet, excercise and supplements. Because my weight borderlined on obese for my size and height, he didn't want to start any fertility treatments yet. His recommended diet was low-carb. He wanted me to lose ten percent of my weight before trying fertility treatments. I stuck to the diet and lost twenty five pounds in three months. My period came once during that time. Then we began our first round Clomid. This is when my club officially started, and my life changed forever.

"One day at a time." An infertiles' journey to parenthood is a long one, dependant upon daily decisions and reliance on God. Everyday that I wake up I am forced to make the choice of whether or not the day will be dedicated to increasing my chances for a baby. The small choice between eating a bowl of Cheerios w/blueberries and organic milk or going to McDonalds for a sausage biscuit and coke, is a struggle. You may think this is silly, but for a girl who loves food and has the rolls of fat to show it, it's a hard decision. One choice increases my chances at motherhood, while the other hinders it, yet some days I take the Cheerios (I did today) and some days I take the biscuit. It is the same choice I have to make about excercising. I loathe excercise, because I am by nature, a lazy person. Some days I excercise and someday's I don't even though I know my chances to have baby depend that I choose correctly.
Perhaps the biggest battle I face daily is my attitude about my situation. Somedays I am content, positive, eager for the challenge of increasing my fertility. I face the day head on, the world is my oyster! But somedays I am angry! (I'm ashamed to say that these days are fairly frequent). I am angry at God for not making me normal; I am angry at myself for allowing food to become an addiction and getting fat; angry that everyone I know is either pregnant, or already has kids. I get angry at my husband when he says stuff like "I want a baby." Or "Let's make a baby," as if by him saying it out loud it will happen. Other days I am heartbroken! I cry at the drop of a hat; I stay in bed all day. I feel like I am a disappointment to my husband. I believe I am the last childless person on earth. I feel like I am alone and no one understands my plight. I think, why keep trying? It's never going to happen! I wallow in self pity like a child who has been left out of a club that all the cool kids are in. (In essence, that is exactly what infertility feels like.)
"One day at a time!" I wish I could say I make the right decisions everyday, but I am human and I don't. I can say that every night before I go to bed, regardless of the day I had; I purpose that tomorrow will be a good day. I will be content, happy and healthy. When I started this journey, I went into it guns ablazing, I was so sure that my idea about how to increase my fertility without doctors was going work. I still feel like it will, but that pesky, impatient part of me wants it to work now. I know it's going to take more than a month, but I am not going to lie, a part of me actually thought that just by commiting to this journey and being positive about it would make it happen immediately. So ultimately, I am disappointed that it hasn't. However, I know it will happen when it happens and until then I will take "One day at a time!"

10 Things You Should NEVER Say to an Infertile...

These are ways I want to answer to these questions. Of course, I never do, but oh, how I've wanted to!

10. When you stop trying then it will happen.

(Um, if I stop trying then how exactly will it happen? Immaculate conception?)

9. Why don't you have any children yet?

(I barely know you. Why is it your business?)

8. You're still young, you have plenty of time for starting a family.

(Actually I don't, infertility increases with age.)

7. Have you tried different sexual positions? Elevating your hips afterward?

(Um, that is private thank you very much!)

6. I understand how you feel; it took me six months to get pregnant with my second child.

(Just walk away, lady! Just walk away!)

5. Be grateful; you get travel and go out without having to worry about babysitters.

(I don't want to travel, or go out. I want to be a mother!)

4. Why don't you just adopt? My friend got pregnant right after she adopted.

(Why don't you just loan me the $100,000 needed to do that?)

3. My kids drive me crazy, why did I decide to have them?

(Really? Are you actually complaining about your kids...to me? Shut up!)

2. You'll understand when you have your own kids.

(Yes! Then I can enter your magical group of mothers who know it all)

And the number one thing that women struggling with infertility do not want to hear...

1. Everything happens for a reason!

(Gee, I have never heard that before!)

I think people should just follow the example of my two faithful supporters of this blog; they always say the right things to encourage me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I love you both!

I'm Going to Spend My Child's College Fund Just To Have Him!

I have complained before about the ridiculously outrageous cost of adoption. I could buy a brand new Cadillac Escalade for the same cost of adopting a baby or even a school aged child. Absolutely stupid! Now, lets talk invitro. Ha! I say. Do you know what it costs for this procedure? Around $24,000 for three tries. One doctor I talked to promised a 40% refund if unsuccessful. Whoopee DOO! Because there is no way that either of these is an option for us financially, and fertility pills didn't work; we decided to go the natural way with alternative medicine to help. Even though these alternatives don't cost as much as it does to keep a small country a float like adoption and IVF do; they're still pretty expensive. Here is a basic rundown of the purchases that I will be making to HELP increase my chance for having a baby.

1. Fertility Monitor: Needed because I do not ovulate regularly and therefore cannot know for sure when the best time is to try. Average Cost: $259.95, Cost on Amazon.com $177.40
2. Fertility Acupuncture: Most of the research I have done on this procedure has provided great information and high recommendations from others in my situation. Initial Visit Cost: $120.00, Monthly follow up appointments: $80
3. The Mayan Abdominal Massage: A recommendation of most of the Latin women in my life. In the Mexican town where my husband grew up, they had a woman who specialized in this. Any woman who was married and did not have a baby after a few years went to her for help. Most Latina Mommies swear by this procedure. Initial Visit Cost: $195, Follow up monthly visit: $75
4. Vitamin Supplements: I did a ton of research on supplements that aid in fertility. With the problems I have I came across the 3 Main.

• Chaste Tree Berry Extract: High recommendation for PCOS 1oz $12.99 (lasts about a month.)
• Maca Root: 100 capsules $14.99, Recommended dosage: one three times daily.
• Royal Jelly: Extracted from the honey made for the queen bee. Believed to be the reason the the Queen Bee is so fertile since she is the only one who reproduces, and this is the only thing she eats. More Potent Capsules $18.00-$20.00. I found one for $8.00 at Walmart. 60 capsules taken twice daily

Added up the cost just to get me started with the monitor, acupuncture and massage $492

Monthly up keep: $191 probably closer to $220 with prenatal vitamins, iron supp. and Omega 3 supp.

These prices do not seem so bad in comparison to adoption or IVF, but when on a limited budget it's an extra expense. It's around the amount of car payment that I am spending just to get pregnant! I understand children cost money, they cost money after they are born, as they grow up and continue to break you until you can hopefully marry them off to a wealthy spouse. What I don't understand is why does it cost so much just to have a baby?? Some people say that it's so its not too easy for a woman who shouldn't have babies to have them. Um...not using birth control does that. Um...what about that hideous excuse for a human being the "Octo Mom". Why on earth is a lazy idiot like her allowed and financially able to have 14 children through fertility treatments, just so she can get a reality show, and I can't even have one. (Child, not a reality show. I don't want one of those!) Where is the justice in that? It should be easier and cheaper for women who desire to be mothers for the right reasons, to become mothers. It should be harder for teenagers, prostitutes, and idiots (Octo-mom) to become mothers. Unfortunately, its the other way around, and it stinks.

When I look at these costs and I look at my bank account I get discouraged. Why couldn't I just be a normal, fertile woman? These procedures are no more of a guarantee than fertility pills and IVF treatments, but still cost a chunk of change to have done.

Here's why...whereas most women might spend $200-$300 dollars a month on shoes, or clothes, or dinners out; I will be spending it on increasing my chances to have a baby. I may not understand why it has to be this way for my husband and me, but I know it will be worth it when it happens and I am content with that. Also i will have the advantage of guilt-tripping my child into taking care of me in old age. I'll remind him that we didn't have new cars, big houses or exotic vactions because we broke the bank making him. :) With this big gun, I'll never step one foot inside a nursing home, no sir.

It's been two weeks and even though this journey is getting harder, and I am becoming increasingly more impatient. I'm still continuing the journey and waiting for AF to come, or the stick to turn into two pink lines. I don't care which one comes first just as long as one comes.

The Dirty Thirty and Childless!

Today is my thirtieth year on this earth. As I look back over my three decades of life, I realize how blessed I am. I have a wonderful Savior. I have wonderful biological and extended families. (More than any girl deserves to have). I have a wonderful husband whom I adore and he feels the same for me...sigh! I attended a great college and met many great people and made some life long friends. I have traveled to varies cities and countries. I have more opportunities, than most girls who grew up in Smalltown, Vermont. I haved loved my life. Even the tough years, that I used to wish I could change or forget. On this day, I have to remind myself that I am more than just an empty womb. I have dreaded this birthday because I thought it was a scary reminder that I am thirty and have no child. Statistics say that conception becomes more difficult for woman in their thirties. If I was having so much trouble in my twenties, what can I expect in my thirties? I think this is why I am so serious about doing all I can to increase my chances of having a baby. A lady I was talking to the other day said that maybe I should take four years of trying without success as a sign that I shouldn't have a baby. At first I felt like I had been slapped and I had to bite my tongue. I mean, of all the people in the world who shouldn't have a baby, surely I am not one of them. I can't imagine not having a child in my life. I am sure she meant her comment to be helpful, and not to offend. She probably looked at as though I am putting myself through unnecessary heartache. Later, as I pondered her statement, I wondered if she might be right. Is my inability to get pregnant a sign that maybe I shouldn't have a baby? Could it maybe be to protect me from the heartache of actually becoming pregnant and being able to carry to term? Is it a protection of my own life, is it possible that having a baby could be terminal for me? All these thoughts swirled around my mind and began to break my heart. When I talked to my husband about it. He gave me another to way to think about it. He said "Bran, maybe it's just to test your endurance. You have a tendancy to give up on things that don't come easily." (those of you who know me, know this is true). "Instead of this being a sign that you shouldn't have kids, let it be a reminder that anything worth having is worth working for. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, but atleast you can say you tried everything and you didn't give up. If it does happen you have set a great example for our child." Do you all see why I married him?? I told you he was wonderful. So, even thought it hasn't happened yet, I still believe with all my heart that God will give me a child one day. I am going to do my part to keep myself healthy, strong and fertile. And even if I am forty and still childless I will keep on this journey, until it is abundantly clear that a child is not going to be a part of my life. All I can do is trust, endure and praise, and those I will do.

My Husband's Coming Home!

Hey Everybody, let me just say I am happier than a cat in a chicken coop. Flor is coming home today. It is raining in Alabama and is supposed to continue raining throughout the weekend. He will have to leave again on Monday and will probably have to stay longer than two weeks, but atleast he'll be here for my birthday. I have to keep this blog short because I have to:

1. Shave my legs; it's a little scary after only two day of neglect. (I'm Italian)
2. Clean my kitchen. (I haven't done dishes in two days)
3. Blow-dry and fix my hair, put on some make-up and get dressed. I heart my comfy flannel p.j's and would live in them if I could. (I have for the last two days, I have taken showers both days though so don't worry that I stink. I don't!)

Lots to do and only a few hours to do it!

I am posting this weeks Fertility Menu!

My beverages include: Milk, Water w/ Lemon or Green Tea. I usually try to have milk with my dinner or if it has been a day with high fat or dairy I usually drink water with lemon. If any recipes interest you, let me know. Some I have created myself or found on various websites. I am happy to share. If you have any to share with me, I would be most grateful.

Thursday:

• Breakfast:Cheese Omelet w/Whole wheat toast
• Lunch:Tuna Salad on Lettuce
• Snack:Cottage Cheese & Pineapple
• Dinner:Whole-Wheat Penne w/Salmon and Broccoli

Friday:

• Whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter & Grapefruit
• Minestrone Soup
• Cheese Cubes & Orange Slices
• Baked Cauliflower w/ Brown Rice and Pinto Beans

Saturday:

• Oatmeal w/blueberries,OJ
• Tomato & Avocado on Whole-Wheat w/Celery Sticks
• Pineapple Smoothie
• Italian Baked Sweet Potatoes w/ Mixed Veggies

Sunday:

• Scrambled Eggs w/whole wheat toast
• Grilled Provolone on Whole wheat & Fresh Tomato Soup
• ¾ c Lightly salted almonds & ½ c Sliced Strawberries
• Grilled Tilapia w/ Tomato-mozzarella Pasta & broccoli florets

Monday:

• Cheerios w/blueberries, OJ
• Tomato, Pickle, and Provolone Sandwich
• Berry Smoothie
• Slow-cooked Mexican Chicken Breast w’ Brown Rice and Beans

Tuesday:

• 2 Whole Wheat Blueberry Pancakes w/ Scrambled Eggs
• Spinach & Strawberry Salad w/ Walnuts and Balsamic Vinegar
• Apple Slices and Peanut butter
• Stracciatella Soup & Roasted red Pepper Panini Sandwiches

Wednesday:

• Italian Scrambled Eggs w/ Whole-wheat toast & Fruit Salad
• Tuna Sandwich w/ Carrots & Celery
• Pineapple Smoothie
• Zucchini & Squash w/ Queso Fresco & Beans

It's Time to get Out the Spanking Paddle- I Cheated last night!

Don't misunderstand the title of this blog, it was not that kind of cheating. I know it wasn't the best title considering my husband (whom I love always and forever!) is out of town. BUT it probably got your attention didn't it?

Infidelity is not the form of cheating I am talking about; I cheated on my Fertility Diet! All that talk about PMS and Hersheys with Almonds made really desirous of a chocolate bar. So on my way home yesterday from running errands I stopped at the local gas station and picked one up. I knew I shouldn't! I stood in front of the candy rack and weighed the consequences. I knew I was losing my battle for self control when I started to reach for the King Size version. His royal highness, pleaded with me. But I respectfully passed on him and grabbed the regular size bar. I was proud of myself. By the time I paid for my contraband and headed home, my guilt lessoned. I told myself it was 1 chocolate bar, not drugs for crying out loud. I told myself it will be okay this once, besides I haven't had a chocolate bar in forever. And you know what...? It was the best chocolate bar I have ever eaten and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Yes, afterwards I felt guilty because I have done fabulously for the last week and I blew it.

Before you get out the verbal spanking paddles, I think you should know that I got up this morning and had a bowl of Cheerios with blueberries, and a half of grapefruit (w/o sugar). I have gotten back on track and I will stay there. I promised I would be honest in this blog and I my entire reason for writing it is for accountability and to share my journey with others. Please do not think that me making fun of my chocolate bar experience is an indication that I don't take this journey seriously because I do. Behind God and my husband, having a baby is the most important thing in my life right now. I just wanted you to understand that on this journey even little things like a chocolate craving are a struggle for me. My struggle with obesity isn't entirely a result of my PCOS, my lack of self control and laziness played a huge part as well. This food plan, even though it is full of foods I love is very difficult for me. It's always easy to start a diet or change of habit, the hard part is sticking with it. But I promise you all, I will not give up. I owe it my future baby, my patient husband and to myself to stay true to this journey. As in all things in life we fall down, but it is our ability to get back up that defines us.

In closing this post, I want to give a shout out to the faithful followers of my blog. You are two of my dearest friends and your words of encouragement and love mean the world to me. Thank you so much for starting this journey with me. It is possible I just might have to name my future baby after you. I am delirously thrilled to call you my friends, everyone should have friends like you. Love ya girls.

Journey Road Bump: My hubby is working in Alabama for the next 2-3 weeks!

Okay, so this was an unexpected hurdle. And as many of you know, I don't take the unexpected too well. I found out about this two hours before he left, and laundry day isn't until tomorrow. Grrr! My first thought was how on earth am I going to make a baby without my husband ...um I not! My next thought was I hate being home alone, he's going to miss my dreaded 30th birthday and I'll miss him like crazy. My final thoughts were: this is a good paying job, I can cook all the fertility foods I want without guilt and TOTAL CONTROL of the TV. Lifetime, here I come!

After all the craziness of this morning I finally had some time to really think about some goals that I want to accomplish while my hubby is out of town. The first thing is to continue to stick to my diet and exercise program (even if it will just be easier to order Chinese and pizza) so that by the time he gets back I am ovulating. Usually I don't ovulate on my own, it is only when I am taking birth control pills or progesterone that I get a monthly period, but every time in the past that I have lost even the slightest bit of weight I am rewarded with a period. Yes, in my case PERIOD=REWARD, because I can't have a baby without ovulation. So maybe if I continue to stick to this diet and exercise we'll have a good chance of making a baby when he returns. You maybe wondering why I didn't have more than one period the last few times I lost some weight, well the truth is that PMS cravings got to me and I have no self control causing me to gain the weight back. Isn't it funny how it takes a month to lose 10lbs and only a week to put on 30. HA HA HA! This is me laughing....Right, so not funny. I will not give into the cravings this time, no sir! I am a determined mother-to-be and I refuse to let a Hershey's with Almond (my chocolate drug of choice) stand in my way. When I tell other women that I am happy when I do finally have a period, they look at me like I'm nuts and tell me I am so lucky. I don't feel lucky. Yes, I get all the same symptoms as everyone else, back aches, boob aches, and cramps. Sometimes I think mine our worse because they don't come very often, and they are trying to make up for all those months when I wasn't in misery. But the reason I am happy when it does come is because it makes me feel normal. Like a real woman. I know that I am a woman, but when you don't ovulate, or have kids and you have to have your chin waxed every other week that last thing you feel is feminine . I remember in high school feeling so embarrassed when even as a Senior I didn't get a period. Girls would ask me if I had a tampon or a pad, I never did. I would always lie and say it was because I never replaced it, when the truth was I never had one to begin with. I was happy when I finally started taking birth control and began to have a normal menstrual cycle. So to all you ovulating women out there BE GRATEFUL for your monthly visitor, because to me YOU are the lucky ones!!

Day 3: Sticking to Fertility Diet

I survived the caffeine thing. I have slept fine the past few nights. The first night I fell asleep at 7:00 and slept like the dead. I am really enjoying my different options of green-tea. Cranberry-pomagrante is my favorite so far. I have discovered a great way to sweeten my iced-green tea without sugar or sugar substitute, I squeeze the juice an orange into the pitcher. It gives better flavor and just enough sweetness. The cutting out of white sugars has not been that difficult since I already had changed over to whole-wheat breads, pastas and rice. My husband is not a fan of these foods but I have found sneaky ways to use them without him knowing. However the brown rice texture is hard to cover, so he just suffers through it. I am thankful for that new pasta that is whole grain, but looks like regular white pasta.

As many of us know, sticking to a diet is hard when the people you cook for are not, nor need to be on a diet. Since my husband cannot cook anything other than eggs, he will eat anything I put infront of him. I am thankful for this, but it makes me kind of sad as well because I know its not food that he loves. As his wife, I want him to enjoy the meals I prepare for him. As any other wife, I really enjoy seeing my husband happy. We know the saying, "the key to a man's heart is in his stomach", but how do I make him happy and still keep myself healthy and fertile? Since my husband is originally from Mexico, his preferred food is obvious. I too absolutely love real Mexican food, and have learned to cook it. While the Mexican's use primarily fresh ingredients in their cooking, they also use a lot of frying oil, and corn tortillas. Both of which are not a part of the fertility food plan. I have found as with all things balance is the key. Since I refuse to cook two separate meals for two people, Flor and I came to agreement that Saturday dinner would be his day to eat what he wants. I will cook whatever meal he desires. I hope that one day off the fertility food plan won't be detrimental to my overall goal. As much as I desire a child and firmly believe that my future child is worth all I can give, I WILL not sacrifice my marriage or my husband. We are a team in this journey, and we both have already made larger sacrifices than food.

The last two days I have eaten nothing but organic fruits, and vegetables, whole-grains and lean protein. I have done well in sticking to this diet, but it has only really been three days of being strict. If anyone has any recipes that work with the fertility food plan that you think my husband would like, please share with them with me!

Day 1: First Day Without Caffeine...Oh, my aching head!

I always thought caffeine headaches were a joke, but right now my head hurts so bad that I can't even keep my hair in ponytail. It's 2:00 in the afternoon and the subtle pounding in my head began about two hours ago. I did fine when I woke up, I made my self a cup of hot cherry flavored green tea sweetened with honey. Not exactly a caramel macchiato, but still pretty good. By 10:00 I felt good, and thought phew, "this caffeine thing...I got this!" Enter 12:00 lunch time, when I usually have an iced coffee or a diet coke, but substituted Iced Green Tea. I was two bites into my very healthy Grilled Cheese (provolone on whole wheat, made with cooking spray instead of butter) when a small pounding began above my eyes. I quickly took 2 Tylenol and drank a bottle of water. The Tylenol worked until about forty-five minutes ago. I wonder if it is too early to take two more. The bottle says every four hours. It would be a real shame to break an addiction to caffeine only to go on an addiction to Tylenol. Is that even possible? People are addicted to everything these days, so I am sure someone is addicted to Tylenol. Hopefully it won't be me. I researched caffeine headache cures and they offered a few helpful suggestions such as: Have someone give you a massage. I looked around my empty house..."anyone? Anyone?" Nope the massage thing is out until Flor gets home. Even then if my head hurts this badly by the time he gets home, the last thing I am going to want is him touching my head. So I think the massage is out. The next suggestion to softening the caffeine headache was to take a steaming hot shower and inhale the steam through my nose. This sounds promising, if you live in a house where the hot water lasts more than ten minutes in each shower. Our household quick showers save the environment, but really stink at relaxing my aching head. Another suggestion is to go for a jog or run....HA I say! I hate to run with a normal head, but with a head swollen and fuzzy I am likely to run into traffic and get run over by a Prius. There really are a lot of those around here lately! I wonder if they save the environment as well as my ten minute showers do?

Are you ready for the really splendid part of this whole caffeine withdrawal misery that I am in? The research I've done says that tomorrow will be worse!! And tonight I might not be able to sleep. But... the light at the end of the tunnel: No one has ever died from a caffeine withdrawal! Maybe not, but I know a dog next door who barks day and night, that might. (For some reason it's louder today)

I am just kidding of course about the violence, but the headache is real but i know that when I have my baby, it will all be worth it. My future baby is worth any sacrifice I can make. Besides, if I can survive caffeine withdrawal, child birth should be cake....right???

Why am I on the journey to motherhood?

Most people think that becoming a mother is a no-brainer, but for the 10 percent of women ages 20-40 being a mother is dream. At times a seemingly impossible dream. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom or PCOS. My husband and I have been married for almost five years and have spent nearly four of them trying to start a family. We have been to doctors, suffered through many tests, tried different treatments all to no avail. Most people who know us tell us things like "be patient," "stop trying so hard," "everything happens for a reason." We understand they mean well and appreciate the fact that they care, however, all these people have children and don't understand what we are going through. We are the only couple amongst our group of friends without children. We either have no one to hang out with or are the designated babysitter. People who have known me all my life are often surprised to learn that I don't have children yet because I love children so much. Most have the sensitivity to understand that it is not by my own choice. I WANT KIDS!! I get angry that it is so easy for people who probably shouldn't be parents to become parents and that people like me cannot. You may wonder why I don't just adopt. Well, it's simple. Adoption is very expensive and we cannot afford it. Look up the costs of adoption it's ridiculous. We wonder why there are so many orphaned children in this world.

The bare-bones of my reason for this journey is this:

*I love kids and have a heartbreaking desire to be a mother.
*I have a very loving husband who really wants a child.
*I've tried things the regular way without sucess.
*I do not get a monthly period, I have gone as long as a year at times.
*I am overweight (A big factor in my infertilty and a result of my PCOS). Along with conceiving I will be healthier as well.
*I have PCOS: An insulin resistance disease that makes it hard for my body to break down sugars properly.
*I will be held accountable to the readers of this blog to stay true to the journey.


What My Journey Will Include Is This:

*A strict "Fertility Food Plan" to aid in both conception and weightloss. I will post my "Fertility Food List" and my daily menus on the sight.
*A daily excercise plan. So that my body will be healthy enough to conceive, carry and give birth to a baby.

I will post daily blogs about my struggles and give updates about my progress. I will love to hear any ideas that have worked for others in my situation. My main goal for this blog is accountability. I am a lazy person and am not easily self motivated, however I hate to let people down and be a disappointment.

Day 1 starts tomorrow. I have start my day without coffee or any caffeine. Caffeine and Sugar are the red-headed step children of this journey. And also my addictions. We'll see how it goes.


Let My Journey to Motherhood begin...