Things an Infertile Should Never Do!

Just as there are things that shouldn't be said to infertiles, there are also things we infertiles should never do. Yesterday I went to the doctors office with one of my friends; she is 17 weeks pregnant. I was more than happy to be there for moral support, and thought nothing of it at the time. I was glad to be with my friend, whom I haven't spent time with in a while. Anyway, sitting in the waiting room proved to be a little disconcerting. In my head I knew there would be other pregnant woman there, but for some reason seeing so many in one room filled me with the strongest mix of desire and disappointment. My desire to join the ranks of the glowing woman, dressed in cute maternity clothes smiling as she rubs her round belly skyrocketed. My disappointment by the fact that it may not happen for me also skyrocketed. Watching the little kids run around while their mothers scold them for being to loud, all the while giving that proud but embarrassed look that their child has just figured out that if he speaks loud enough the whole room will chuckle with him. It was almost too much for me to handle. I hid my feelings from my friend; I did not want my infertility to hinder her excitement in anyway. And I am truly excited for her, she is already a great mom of two boys and she is hoping this is her girl. After I returned home I decided that an OB/Gyn waiting room is definitely a place that woman with fertility problems should never go. Here is a list of few other things infertiles should never do or ever go:

1. Should never offer to host a baby shower. I did this after our first failed treatment of Clomid. It was uncomfortable because many of the woman knew my problem, and they didn't know how to deal with it. I was uncomfortable because I felt like no matter how much attention I tried to give to the mommy-to-be, I seemed to be the one who drew the attention. I was embarrassed. I will never host one again.
2. Never visit Babies R Us.
3. Church on Mother's day. This is hard for those who aren't mother's and who have lost their mothers.
4. Chuck E Cheese
5. The Mall around the holidays.

Avoiding these things may seem silly or selfish, but if they keep me from not dwelling on what I don't have so much, then it is for the best. I am reminded enough of my lack of child by that empty spot in my otherwise full heart, I don't need to torture myself. As I have said before, infertility is one of the most selfish diseases. Even the most selfless person, can become selfish when it comes to being unable to conceive the desired child. I think that it is inevitable that woman become selfish about motherhood in a good way. Whether they have children or not motherhood is something that a woman goes through on her own. While she loves her husband, and that relationship comes first. A mother's love is something that unless you're on the giving or receiving end you will not understand. It's powerful, it's heartbreaking, its fulfilling, it's unconditional, and it's selfish in that you don't want to share it with another. I was lucky to have the love of three mothers, one biological, and two adopted. However, do you think my biological mother ever allowed me to call those other women MOM, no. If she hadn't raised me for half of my life it would be a different story, but since she didn't want to share motherhood with them. You who are mothers are sure to understand. I think sometimes selfishness is okay, especially when applied to motherhood. I almost think it is deserved.

Prep for Pap! Sometimes it's hard being a woman...

I just scheduled an appointment for my annual Pap. I don't know about you, but I absolutely dread them. I don't really think anyone particularly enjoys them, but my dread comes more from fear than anything else. Yes, that's right I fear the smear! It causes me days worth of anxiety for such a stupid reason: I become overly self conscious. I know that gynecologists are professionals and they see many vaginas daily and mine is but a blip on their radar. It may be because of my chaste upbringing, or because my husband is the only other one to be down there (other than my gyno & fertility doctor ) or because I am actually nuts; but while I am laying on that cold, uncomfortable table covered with that scratchy crepe paper and my legs are in what I can only assume to be a medieval torture device and my butt is hanging off the table, I am thinking ridiculous things like...did I landscape my garden well enough? Did I do it too much and he will think I did it just for this appointment? Wait...was I supposed to landscape or not, don't some doctors prefer you don't, I can't remember what this doctor prefers. Do I smell down there? I didn't smell anything, but maybe I have a cold, or do I have to have my nose down there in order to smell it? What if he gets inappropriate with me? What if I fart? Please, Lord don't let me fart! My anxiety is further enhanced when the tormentor (doctor) says "Just relax, it will go much more smoothly if you just relax. Take some deep breathes." Now, I am more nervous and a little perturbed. I want to say, "Why don't we switch places and see how well you relax, Mister." You may be thinking: well , Brandy if a male gyno causes you this much anxiety switch to a female...I have, and I have most of the same thoughts but they are more worrisome because women are more critical and catty about other woman, professional or not. And in my experience females tend to be a little less gentle. Am I certifiable? Maybe, but we all have our fears and this is one of mine,second only to clowns. Aack!

******I have come up with a great idea that will save us all this hassle, yes, it may put some gynecologists out of business, but that is a risk I am willing to take. I think someone should invent the an in-home pap smear test. Kind of like a home pregnancy test...all we have to is take it home, insert it and wait three minutes for it to say NORMAL or ABNORMAL. Of course if it is abnormal you must visit your doctor immediately(see I am not actually putting all gyno's out of business) however, if it is normal, how wonderful for you. Think about it...how many times have you gone in for this uncomfortable, torturous procedure only to wait a very long week until you receive a phone call or a letter, telling you everything is normal? If we had an in-home pap test, we would only have to spread, scoot and hang when absolutely necessary. Go ahead and say it- I am a genius for this having this idea. I kind of have to agree with you! However, we must insist that who ever invents this be a female, because if the inventor happens to be male we know it be complicated, lack instructions , and require a power tool, and we will probably some how still end up on our backs. I am sure I have given you all some fun things to think about at your next appointment... Happy Pappy to you all!

One Day at a Time!

"One day at a time!" This is the motto of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I am converting it to be the motto of my newly formed grouped: Infertiles R US! The reason I say this is because dealing with infertility is a day by day process. I have good days, I have bad days, and I have days that I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Everyday is a stuggle to get out of bed and stick to my new way of life.
At first, the difficulty we had ttc didn't affect our lives too much. We went about our days eating the same, acting the same, working at our stress inducing jobs. We both just figured it would happen eventually, no biggie. (I think with all the trouble I had with my menstrual cycle as a teenager; I kind of new I would have a bit of difficulty conceiving, but I figured there was no reason on earth that God wouldn't give me a baby. I was born to be a mother!) Even after a year of trying, we didn't really get serious about it. It wasn't until I started taking care of my eighth month old (at the time) nephew, that the pangs of desire increased and I became more determined than ever to have a baby. I wen't to my doctor and pretty much demanded he do something to make my periods come regularly. He said he would prescribe me the pill. "Um...I don't want the pill because I want to have a baby," I told him. His response was the same as all the doctors in the past. "Lose some weight, and then your cycle will return." That was when he decided to test me for PCOS. Once diagnosed he prescribed treatment...diet, excercise and supplements. Because my weight borderlined on obese for my size and height, he didn't want to start any fertility treatments yet. His recommended diet was low-carb. He wanted me to lose ten percent of my weight before trying fertility treatments. I stuck to the diet and lost twenty five pounds in three months. My period came once during that time. Then we began our first round Clomid. This is when my club officially started, and my life changed forever.

"One day at a time." An infertiles' journey to parenthood is a long one, dependant upon daily decisions and reliance on God. Everyday that I wake up I am forced to make the choice of whether or not the day will be dedicated to increasing my chances for a baby. The small choice between eating a bowl of Cheerios w/blueberries and organic milk or going to McDonalds for a sausage biscuit and coke, is a struggle. You may think this is silly, but for a girl who loves food and has the rolls of fat to show it, it's a hard decision. One choice increases my chances at motherhood, while the other hinders it, yet some days I take the Cheerios (I did today) and some days I take the biscuit. It is the same choice I have to make about excercising. I loathe excercise, because I am by nature, a lazy person. Some days I excercise and someday's I don't even though I know my chances to have baby depend that I choose correctly.
Perhaps the biggest battle I face daily is my attitude about my situation. Somedays I am content, positive, eager for the challenge of increasing my fertility. I face the day head on, the world is my oyster! But somedays I am angry! (I'm ashamed to say that these days are fairly frequent). I am angry at God for not making me normal; I am angry at myself for allowing food to become an addiction and getting fat; angry that everyone I know is either pregnant, or already has kids. I get angry at my husband when he says stuff like "I want a baby." Or "Let's make a baby," as if by him saying it out loud it will happen. Other days I am heartbroken! I cry at the drop of a hat; I stay in bed all day. I feel like I am a disappointment to my husband. I believe I am the last childless person on earth. I feel like I am alone and no one understands my plight. I think, why keep trying? It's never going to happen! I wallow in self pity like a child who has been left out of a club that all the cool kids are in. (In essence, that is exactly what infertility feels like.)
"One day at a time!" I wish I could say I make the right decisions everyday, but I am human and I don't. I can say that every night before I go to bed, regardless of the day I had; I purpose that tomorrow will be a good day. I will be content, happy and healthy. When I started this journey, I went into it guns ablazing, I was so sure that my idea about how to increase my fertility without doctors was going work. I still feel like it will, but that pesky, impatient part of me wants it to work now. I know it's going to take more than a month, but I am not going to lie, a part of me actually thought that just by commiting to this journey and being positive about it would make it happen immediately. So ultimately, I am disappointed that it hasn't. However, I know it will happen when it happens and until then I will take "One day at a time!"

10 Things You Should NEVER Say to an Infertile...

These are ways I want to answer to these questions. Of course, I never do, but oh, how I've wanted to!

10. When you stop trying then it will happen.

(Um, if I stop trying then how exactly will it happen? Immaculate conception?)

9. Why don't you have any children yet?

(I barely know you. Why is it your business?)

8. You're still young, you have plenty of time for starting a family.

(Actually I don't, infertility increases with age.)

7. Have you tried different sexual positions? Elevating your hips afterward?

(Um, that is private thank you very much!)

6. I understand how you feel; it took me six months to get pregnant with my second child.

(Just walk away, lady! Just walk away!)

5. Be grateful; you get travel and go out without having to worry about babysitters.

(I don't want to travel, or go out. I want to be a mother!)

4. Why don't you just adopt? My friend got pregnant right after she adopted.

(Why don't you just loan me the $100,000 needed to do that?)

3. My kids drive me crazy, why did I decide to have them?

(Really? Are you actually complaining about your kids...to me? Shut up!)

2. You'll understand when you have your own kids.

(Yes! Then I can enter your magical group of mothers who know it all)

And the number one thing that women struggling with infertility do not want to hear...

1. Everything happens for a reason!

(Gee, I have never heard that before!)

I think people should just follow the example of my two faithful supporters of this blog; they always say the right things to encourage me. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I love you both!

I'm Going to Spend My Child's College Fund Just To Have Him!

I have complained before about the ridiculously outrageous cost of adoption. I could buy a brand new Cadillac Escalade for the same cost of adopting a baby or even a school aged child. Absolutely stupid! Now, lets talk invitro. Ha! I say. Do you know what it costs for this procedure? Around $24,000 for three tries. One doctor I talked to promised a 40% refund if unsuccessful. Whoopee DOO! Because there is no way that either of these is an option for us financially, and fertility pills didn't work; we decided to go the natural way with alternative medicine to help. Even though these alternatives don't cost as much as it does to keep a small country a float like adoption and IVF do; they're still pretty expensive. Here is a basic rundown of the purchases that I will be making to HELP increase my chance for having a baby.

1. Fertility Monitor: Needed because I do not ovulate regularly and therefore cannot know for sure when the best time is to try. Average Cost: $259.95, Cost on Amazon.com $177.40
2. Fertility Acupuncture: Most of the research I have done on this procedure has provided great information and high recommendations from others in my situation. Initial Visit Cost: $120.00, Monthly follow up appointments: $80
3. The Mayan Abdominal Massage: A recommendation of most of the Latin women in my life. In the Mexican town where my husband grew up, they had a woman who specialized in this. Any woman who was married and did not have a baby after a few years went to her for help. Most Latina Mommies swear by this procedure. Initial Visit Cost: $195, Follow up monthly visit: $75
4. Vitamin Supplements: I did a ton of research on supplements that aid in fertility. With the problems I have I came across the 3 Main.

• Chaste Tree Berry Extract: High recommendation for PCOS 1oz $12.99 (lasts about a month.)
• Maca Root: 100 capsules $14.99, Recommended dosage: one three times daily.
• Royal Jelly: Extracted from the honey made for the queen bee. Believed to be the reason the the Queen Bee is so fertile since she is the only one who reproduces, and this is the only thing she eats. More Potent Capsules $18.00-$20.00. I found one for $8.00 at Walmart. 60 capsules taken twice daily

Added up the cost just to get me started with the monitor, acupuncture and massage $492

Monthly up keep: $191 probably closer to $220 with prenatal vitamins, iron supp. and Omega 3 supp.

These prices do not seem so bad in comparison to adoption or IVF, but when on a limited budget it's an extra expense. It's around the amount of car payment that I am spending just to get pregnant! I understand children cost money, they cost money after they are born, as they grow up and continue to break you until you can hopefully marry them off to a wealthy spouse. What I don't understand is why does it cost so much just to have a baby?? Some people say that it's so its not too easy for a woman who shouldn't have babies to have them. Um...not using birth control does that. Um...what about that hideous excuse for a human being the "Octo Mom". Why on earth is a lazy idiot like her allowed and financially able to have 14 children through fertility treatments, just so she can get a reality show, and I can't even have one. (Child, not a reality show. I don't want one of those!) Where is the justice in that? It should be easier and cheaper for women who desire to be mothers for the right reasons, to become mothers. It should be harder for teenagers, prostitutes, and idiots (Octo-mom) to become mothers. Unfortunately, its the other way around, and it stinks.

When I look at these costs and I look at my bank account I get discouraged. Why couldn't I just be a normal, fertile woman? These procedures are no more of a guarantee than fertility pills and IVF treatments, but still cost a chunk of change to have done.

Here's why...whereas most women might spend $200-$300 dollars a month on shoes, or clothes, or dinners out; I will be spending it on increasing my chances to have a baby. I may not understand why it has to be this way for my husband and me, but I know it will be worth it when it happens and I am content with that. Also i will have the advantage of guilt-tripping my child into taking care of me in old age. I'll remind him that we didn't have new cars, big houses or exotic vactions because we broke the bank making him. :) With this big gun, I'll never step one foot inside a nursing home, no sir.

It's been two weeks and even though this journey is getting harder, and I am becoming increasingly more impatient. I'm still continuing the journey and waiting for AF to come, or the stick to turn into two pink lines. I don't care which one comes first just as long as one comes.

The Dirty Thirty and Childless!

Today is my thirtieth year on this earth. As I look back over my three decades of life, I realize how blessed I am. I have a wonderful Savior. I have wonderful biological and extended families. (More than any girl deserves to have). I have a wonderful husband whom I adore and he feels the same for me...sigh! I attended a great college and met many great people and made some life long friends. I have traveled to varies cities and countries. I have more opportunities, than most girls who grew up in Smalltown, Vermont. I haved loved my life. Even the tough years, that I used to wish I could change or forget. On this day, I have to remind myself that I am more than just an empty womb. I have dreaded this birthday because I thought it was a scary reminder that I am thirty and have no child. Statistics say that conception becomes more difficult for woman in their thirties. If I was having so much trouble in my twenties, what can I expect in my thirties? I think this is why I am so serious about doing all I can to increase my chances of having a baby. A lady I was talking to the other day said that maybe I should take four years of trying without success as a sign that I shouldn't have a baby. At first I felt like I had been slapped and I had to bite my tongue. I mean, of all the people in the world who shouldn't have a baby, surely I am not one of them. I can't imagine not having a child in my life. I am sure she meant her comment to be helpful, and not to offend. She probably looked at as though I am putting myself through unnecessary heartache. Later, as I pondered her statement, I wondered if she might be right. Is my inability to get pregnant a sign that maybe I shouldn't have a baby? Could it maybe be to protect me from the heartache of actually becoming pregnant and being able to carry to term? Is it a protection of my own life, is it possible that having a baby could be terminal for me? All these thoughts swirled around my mind and began to break my heart. When I talked to my husband about it. He gave me another to way to think about it. He said "Bran, maybe it's just to test your endurance. You have a tendancy to give up on things that don't come easily." (those of you who know me, know this is true). "Instead of this being a sign that you shouldn't have kids, let it be a reminder that anything worth having is worth working for. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, but atleast you can say you tried everything and you didn't give up. If it does happen you have set a great example for our child." Do you all see why I married him?? I told you he was wonderful. So, even thought it hasn't happened yet, I still believe with all my heart that God will give me a child one day. I am going to do my part to keep myself healthy, strong and fertile. And even if I am forty and still childless I will keep on this journey, until it is abundantly clear that a child is not going to be a part of my life. All I can do is trust, endure and praise, and those I will do.

My Husband's Coming Home!

Hey Everybody, let me just say I am happier than a cat in a chicken coop. Flor is coming home today. It is raining in Alabama and is supposed to continue raining throughout the weekend. He will have to leave again on Monday and will probably have to stay longer than two weeks, but atleast he'll be here for my birthday. I have to keep this blog short because I have to:

1. Shave my legs; it's a little scary after only two day of neglect. (I'm Italian)
2. Clean my kitchen. (I haven't done dishes in two days)
3. Blow-dry and fix my hair, put on some make-up and get dressed. I heart my comfy flannel p.j's and would live in them if I could. (I have for the last two days, I have taken showers both days though so don't worry that I stink. I don't!)

Lots to do and only a few hours to do it!

I am posting this weeks Fertility Menu!

My beverages include: Milk, Water w/ Lemon or Green Tea. I usually try to have milk with my dinner or if it has been a day with high fat or dairy I usually drink water with lemon. If any recipes interest you, let me know. Some I have created myself or found on various websites. I am happy to share. If you have any to share with me, I would be most grateful.

Thursday:

• Breakfast:Cheese Omelet w/Whole wheat toast
• Lunch:Tuna Salad on Lettuce
• Snack:Cottage Cheese & Pineapple
• Dinner:Whole-Wheat Penne w/Salmon and Broccoli

Friday:

• Whole wheat toast w/ peanut butter & Grapefruit
• Minestrone Soup
• Cheese Cubes & Orange Slices
• Baked Cauliflower w/ Brown Rice and Pinto Beans

Saturday:

• Oatmeal w/blueberries,OJ
• Tomato & Avocado on Whole-Wheat w/Celery Sticks
• Pineapple Smoothie
• Italian Baked Sweet Potatoes w/ Mixed Veggies

Sunday:

• Scrambled Eggs w/whole wheat toast
• Grilled Provolone on Whole wheat & Fresh Tomato Soup
• ¾ c Lightly salted almonds & ½ c Sliced Strawberries
• Grilled Tilapia w/ Tomato-mozzarella Pasta & broccoli florets

Monday:

• Cheerios w/blueberries, OJ
• Tomato, Pickle, and Provolone Sandwich
• Berry Smoothie
• Slow-cooked Mexican Chicken Breast w’ Brown Rice and Beans

Tuesday:

• 2 Whole Wheat Blueberry Pancakes w/ Scrambled Eggs
• Spinach & Strawberry Salad w/ Walnuts and Balsamic Vinegar
• Apple Slices and Peanut butter
• Stracciatella Soup & Roasted red Pepper Panini Sandwiches

Wednesday:

• Italian Scrambled Eggs w/ Whole-wheat toast & Fruit Salad
• Tuna Sandwich w/ Carrots & Celery
• Pineapple Smoothie
• Zucchini & Squash w/ Queso Fresco & Beans

It's Time to get Out the Spanking Paddle- I Cheated last night!

Don't misunderstand the title of this blog, it was not that kind of cheating. I know it wasn't the best title considering my husband (whom I love always and forever!) is out of town. BUT it probably got your attention didn't it?

Infidelity is not the form of cheating I am talking about; I cheated on my Fertility Diet! All that talk about PMS and Hersheys with Almonds made really desirous of a chocolate bar. So on my way home yesterday from running errands I stopped at the local gas station and picked one up. I knew I shouldn't! I stood in front of the candy rack and weighed the consequences. I knew I was losing my battle for self control when I started to reach for the King Size version. His royal highness, pleaded with me. But I respectfully passed on him and grabbed the regular size bar. I was proud of myself. By the time I paid for my contraband and headed home, my guilt lessoned. I told myself it was 1 chocolate bar, not drugs for crying out loud. I told myself it will be okay this once, besides I haven't had a chocolate bar in forever. And you know what...? It was the best chocolate bar I have ever eaten and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Yes, afterwards I felt guilty because I have done fabulously for the last week and I blew it.

Before you get out the verbal spanking paddles, I think you should know that I got up this morning and had a bowl of Cheerios with blueberries, and a half of grapefruit (w/o sugar). I have gotten back on track and I will stay there. I promised I would be honest in this blog and I my entire reason for writing it is for accountability and to share my journey with others. Please do not think that me making fun of my chocolate bar experience is an indication that I don't take this journey seriously because I do. Behind God and my husband, having a baby is the most important thing in my life right now. I just wanted you to understand that on this journey even little things like a chocolate craving are a struggle for me. My struggle with obesity isn't entirely a result of my PCOS, my lack of self control and laziness played a huge part as well. This food plan, even though it is full of foods I love is very difficult for me. It's always easy to start a diet or change of habit, the hard part is sticking with it. But I promise you all, I will not give up. I owe it my future baby, my patient husband and to myself to stay true to this journey. As in all things in life we fall down, but it is our ability to get back up that defines us.

In closing this post, I want to give a shout out to the faithful followers of my blog. You are two of my dearest friends and your words of encouragement and love mean the world to me. Thank you so much for starting this journey with me. It is possible I just might have to name my future baby after you. I am delirously thrilled to call you my friends, everyone should have friends like you. Love ya girls.

Journey Road Bump: My hubby is working in Alabama for the next 2-3 weeks!

Okay, so this was an unexpected hurdle. And as many of you know, I don't take the unexpected too well. I found out about this two hours before he left, and laundry day isn't until tomorrow. Grrr! My first thought was how on earth am I going to make a baby without my husband ...um I not! My next thought was I hate being home alone, he's going to miss my dreaded 30th birthday and I'll miss him like crazy. My final thoughts were: this is a good paying job, I can cook all the fertility foods I want without guilt and TOTAL CONTROL of the TV. Lifetime, here I come!

After all the craziness of this morning I finally had some time to really think about some goals that I want to accomplish while my hubby is out of town. The first thing is to continue to stick to my diet and exercise program (even if it will just be easier to order Chinese and pizza) so that by the time he gets back I am ovulating. Usually I don't ovulate on my own, it is only when I am taking birth control pills or progesterone that I get a monthly period, but every time in the past that I have lost even the slightest bit of weight I am rewarded with a period. Yes, in my case PERIOD=REWARD, because I can't have a baby without ovulation. So maybe if I continue to stick to this diet and exercise we'll have a good chance of making a baby when he returns. You maybe wondering why I didn't have more than one period the last few times I lost some weight, well the truth is that PMS cravings got to me and I have no self control causing me to gain the weight back. Isn't it funny how it takes a month to lose 10lbs and only a week to put on 30. HA HA HA! This is me laughing....Right, so not funny. I will not give into the cravings this time, no sir! I am a determined mother-to-be and I refuse to let a Hershey's with Almond (my chocolate drug of choice) stand in my way. When I tell other women that I am happy when I do finally have a period, they look at me like I'm nuts and tell me I am so lucky. I don't feel lucky. Yes, I get all the same symptoms as everyone else, back aches, boob aches, and cramps. Sometimes I think mine our worse because they don't come very often, and they are trying to make up for all those months when I wasn't in misery. But the reason I am happy when it does come is because it makes me feel normal. Like a real woman. I know that I am a woman, but when you don't ovulate, or have kids and you have to have your chin waxed every other week that last thing you feel is feminine . I remember in high school feeling so embarrassed when even as a Senior I didn't get a period. Girls would ask me if I had a tampon or a pad, I never did. I would always lie and say it was because I never replaced it, when the truth was I never had one to begin with. I was happy when I finally started taking birth control and began to have a normal menstrual cycle. So to all you ovulating women out there BE GRATEFUL for your monthly visitor, because to me YOU are the lucky ones!!