Happy Mother's Day!!

The last three years of Mother's day have been difficult because they are yet another reminder of what I most want in this world but don't yet have. This year for Mother's Day I decided not to focus on me and my not being a mother; instead I decided to torture myself on a 3 mile walk for Breast Cancer Research. It was blast!! I met some wonderful people, and some breast cancer survivors who put me to shame with their positive attitude towards what they cannot change but are on a journey to try. Of these women that I met some have lost their breasts, some have lost their mothers, grandmothers, sisters and daughters, some have lost their hair and have suffered losses of which I will probably never understand. Being with these strong, beautiful women made me feel small, but not in a bad way. I felt like in the grand scheme of things I am one of the luckiest people in the world, and too often I forget that because it's so much easier to dwell on the negative than to thank God for the positive.

I know my infertility is no small matter, believe me, I know! And nothing can really make the empty ache of my heart go away, except of course a BFP! But this weekend was a nice reminder that each woman in this world is on their own journey, some are on a journey to find a cure for breast cancer, some are on a journey of high risk pregnancy, or a journey of first-time pregnancy or a journey of infertility. Each journey is difficult and each journey consumes the everyday life of the woman on it. I don't know about you but that makes me feel a little less alone in my own journey.

My participation in this walk did little to lessen my ache to be a mother, but it did give me the encouragement to keep on my journey. Some of the woman I met were fighting for their lives and the lives of their future generations, and if they give up they die. My journey is not a fight a for my life, my sanity maybe, but not my life, so how dare I contemplate the thought of just giving up and saying, "maybe I'm just not meant to be mother." And yes, I have thought that many times in the last few months. My journey to motherhood is just as important to me as the the journey for a cure is to the woman with breast cancer.

So, whatever journey you are on I encourage you to continue on that journey with the fervor of a breast cancer patient on a journey for a cure. Don't Give Up! I know I won't.

I hope you all had an amazing Mother's Day. Hopefully next year we'll all celebrate together!

A Day in the Life of an Infertile...

**The thing that makes this so funny is the fact that it is so true...just ask anyone who is or has struggled with TTC. Seriously this is what we do!

BBT Lessons by Rebecca Smith Waddell

Wake up at 5 a.m. and swing your arm at your bedside table until you find your basal thermometer. Stick the right end of it in your mouth, in the exact same position everyday, and try to stay awake for five minutes.

As you begin to wake up, realize how badly you need to urinate and try to resist the urge without squirming too much. Mentally tell yourself, "Just relax, it'll work out" -- chances are you'll hear that a few times today.

Try to read the thermometer in the dark while your spouse continues to sleep. When that fails, take it into the bathroom with you. Sit on the toilet and position yourself to either pee in a cup or on a stick. If you're really good, try to squirt a little out first. Give yourself extra points if you manage to do this routine without overfilling your cup or splashing a test window.

While you wait, check your genitals for mucus. If you're lucky enough to find some, play with it! Look at it, feel it, stretch it. When you're done, pick up your scientific-looking form and chart your findings. Compute the data, and mutter to yourself, "You're probably just not trying hard enough" -- it won't be the last time you hear that today.

If the calculations add up, go back into your bedroom and convince, cajole, and beg your spouse to have intercourse -- and all the while remember not "to let the spontaneity go out of your sex life." After you're done, prop your buttocks up so it's higher than the rest of your body and lay there for a half hour. Figure out exactly how you're going to stay in that position for so long and still have time to shower, dress and have breakfast before you have to leave the house at 6:15. Say aloud, "If you can't even manage to do this, how will you ever manage parenthood?" -- another comment you'll get at some point during the day.

When you finally make it out the door, remind yourself that, "This is the easy part" -- you'll hear that later as well. Give yourself a pat on the back for not only completing 5 a.m. chemistry class, but for also getting yourself ready for pop quizzes in interpersonal communication!

BBT Lessons by Rebecca Smith Waddell (copyright 1996)

2WW: The Longest 14 Days of an Infertile!

You know you are in the 2ww (2 week waiting period) when...

1. You start eating for 2, just in case :)
2. You swear you feel nauseated and inexplicably tired (PSS)*
3. You fight the urge to create your baby registry at Babies R US.
4. You tell yourself those aren't AF cramps, you just have to poop.
5. You repeat the mantra: If you don't buy tampons, She (AF) won't come. (Your husband will appreciate the homage to the movie "Field of Dreams" If you build it, they will come.)
6. You don't have intercourse on Days 10-16 because..."Really, what's the point? And you need the rest anyway."
7. You change the names of your future children at least 500 times only to only to settle on your original selections.
8. You suddenly notice that EVERY other woman in the world is pregnant.
9. You know that each day that passes is one day closer to either another EB (emotional breakdown) or to a "Oh crap, how am I going to pay for college?"
10. You are actually counting down the days until you can wake up and pee on a stick! Ahh what an exciting life we infertiles live.

*Psycho-symptom-atic Syndrome (PSS) - a psychosomatic condition afflicting women during the two-week waiting period; marked by a tendency to incorrectly attribute every bodily twinge and twitch to the early stages of pregnancy.

Incentives...Nurseries!

I know I really having been on this journey very long, nearly five months, but I am starting to get a little bored. I am consistently sticking to my diet and exercise, only cheating on Sunday's :). However, waiting for the BFN or AF is starting to get mundane. I am having trouble finding pithy things to write about on this blog, I mean I'm seriously teetering on describing my CM and telling you my daily BBT. (97.8, today-no CM today). See? Not very interesting. So in honor of my three pregnant friends who have all recently found out what they are having. I decided to research some nursery ideas that I like. I thought maybe this would give me a little a encouragement to "keep on keeping on!" (Such a silly saying, but hey, it fits.) These were some of my faves I found on line. I have always a wanted a round crib. So in the pictures, just imagine the theme, with a round crib.

Boy Nursery #1- I love the green! It has my round crib, and don't you just love the window treatment, and the round mirror? I am not a fan of the cheesy stork-that would have to go

Boy Nursery #2. I have never been a fan of powder blue, but I like it here with the deep brown contrast. The wall is really unique. And that chair...looks so comfy.

Boy Nursery#3- Well, actually it is just the bedding and mobile I like. I would love, love, love to have a New York Yankees nursery. Even if I am married to Cubs fan. I found Yankee pinstripe wall paper.




Boy Nursery # 4 I love the Safari theme. The colors are bold but aren't so bright that you get dizzy. Again the brown and blue, I love it. It might actually be kind of a turquoise. I always wanted my boys nursery to be green, but some of these blues are making me re-think.

And now for the girls:

Girl Nursery #1-I wish this picture was bigger. I really like the purple walls, with the cream colored furniture. I would probably decorate the walls with butterflies since I love them.


Nursery #2- I really like the modern feel to this one. The stripes and polka-dots are fun. This is a theme that could carry on into grade school years. The pink wall might be a little much.

Girl Nursery #3- I like the pink ceiling. It gives a girlie feel without over doing it. Again I would replace the tree mural with a butterfly.

Girl Nursery# 4- This is by far my favorite! In fact I have it saved to my computer because I love it so much. I wouldn't change a single thing. The yellow wallpaper is a perfect back drop for the black and white. The cute lamp and pink pillow are just perfect touches. I WANT this room.

A Sarah, Rachel and Hannah Day.

Along this journey I have spent much time studying the women of the Bible who also struggled with fertility. Sarah, Rachel and Hannah are the most familiar. Each woman dealt with their infertility in a differently giving a blueprint of how I should or shouldn't deal with it. I decided that I would compartmentalize my feelings and actions about my struggle with infertility, between a Sarah Day, A Rachel Day, A Leah Day or a Hannah Day.

**A Sarah Day is day when I am lacking the faith to believe that God CAN give me a baby and that nothing is too hard for Him. Sarah was the first infertile woman mentioned in the Bible. She went through 90 years of cycles trying to conceive. Her lack of faith caused her to literally laugh when God promised her that she would have a son despite the fact she was beyond childbearing years. God, of course fulfilled His promise and she gave birth Isaac.

**A Rachel Day is a day when I am struggling not to become obsessed with my desire for a baby. A day when I have to ask myself what do I love more? When I first read the story of Rachel I felt sorry for her. She fell in love with Jacob and was supposed to marry him, but her father played a terrible trick on Jacob and he ended up marrying Rachel's sister Leah. When Rachel and Jacob finally married, they were sad to learn that she was infertile. However, Leah was a Fertile Myrtle breeding jealousy in Rachel. Rachel became so desperate to have a baby that she did some pretty horrible things. Her most notable deed was when she pimped out Jacob to Leah in exchange for some Mandrakes (a plant that was considered a fertility drug at that time.) She put too much stock in the mandrakes, as many infertile woman today do with Clomid and IVF treatments. However her actions came back to bite her because on that night Jacob slept with Leah, and Leah conceived yet another child. And Rachel didn't.
Rachel's obsession with conceiving caused to her to be ungrateful for the child she finally did have, Joseph, whose name means "to add" because she wanted God to add more children to her. Rachel's response to getting what she wanted was not to thank God and be happy with her baby, instead she was selfish and wanted more. And when she gave birth again, she died. The very thing that consumed her life, ended up claiming it. The thing that was became more important to her than God, eventually destroyed her. Needless to say...a Rachel day is a bad day.

**A Hannah Day is a day when I decide to worship the God of fertility rather than the fertility gods. In the day of Hannah, many people looked to Baal, who was known as the the god who gave fertility. But Hannah knew better. She knew that only the God of heaven could give fertility and so she prayed faithfully to Him. Her prayer was a heartbreaking plea for God to bless her with a child so that she could raise the child to be a follower of God. She promised to give the child up for God's service if He would give her one. God did. She gave birth to Samuel. When Samuel was old enough Hannah took him to the temple to live. There he learned to be a servant of God. Unlike Rachel, Hannah loved God more than she wanted to be a mother.

I wish I could say that in my life Hannah Days were more common than they are. Unfortunately, I tend to have more Rachel and Sarah Days, even though I strive to have a Hannah Day everyday. I think today is one :)

**I think the examples of these woman can be used in aspects other than fertility. The questions are still the same, the object is different. Ask yourself these questions and insert your struggle in the blank.

1. Is _______ too hard for God? Do I believe God can do________?
(This is the lesson we learn on from Sarah.)

2. Do you love__________more than anything else, including God? What do you love most in this world? Am I obsessed with___________?
(This is the lesson we learn from Rachel.)

3. What or Whom do you worship? (This is our lesson from Hannah)

My hope is that you have more Hannah Day's than than any other!!

"Faith is not so much believing that God WILL provide a child, but believing that NOTHING is too hard for Him" -The Infertility Companion

I took a pregnancy test this morning-BFN. I had been feeling funny lately and had some weird pains in my lower abdomen and since I had only spotting the week I was supposed to have a period, I thought maybe. Each time I do this, I tell myself not to get my hopes up and I don't really, but yet every negative hits me like a punch in the gut. I am not crying or having one of my infertility meltdowns. I'm just...disappointed. We are in the middle of the fourth month of my journey, though I have been getting BFN for the last few years, It seems like a long time, and truthfully I really thought I would be pregnant by now. I have done everything right, lost weight, exercising daily, sticking to diet. I know, I know, it's just not God's timing for me. I know I must be patient, but I am human and it is difficult sometimes. But...I will keep trusting God, do my part, and prepare myself to be the best mother possible for my future child.

Even though today is kind of a Sarah* day I am going to leave with a picture of my first baby. A gift from my husband because, and I quote..."I know your sad about not being pregnant, so maybe having something to do during the day will help. Here, he'll keep you company." God bless the man, because I had some ugly thoughts passing through my mind. As if some dog would replace the fact that I don't have a child. I know he meant it lovingly and I truly do appreciate the gesture...now. However, my hubby knew something I didn't. This puppy truly did give me "something" to do during the day-because obviously cooking, and cleaning don't count as "something"- (sorry, still a little bitter 'bout that comment). Anyway, the puppy did do a good job keeping me company, and taking care of him was a lot like taking care of a baby. Or, so I think...he eats, poops, and sleeps. I swear, I thought there was something wrong with him because he slept so much. Now, I can't imagine being without him. May I present to you... Roscoe Escamilla:

He's a big boy and is going to get bigger. On Saturday's check up and booster shots he weighed 32.5 lbs almost ten pounds more than four weeks before at his first appointment. The vet said he could get close to 70 to 80 pounds. From the size of his paws, I believe it.

As of today he is 16 weeks about 4 months old. He is a black lab/boxer mix. He is too cute and a really good boy. We love him so much. I'll post more pics soon.

Tomorrow, I will explain what a Sarah day is.

Cervical Mucus and Canola Oil...Oh My!

When I started this journey I knew I would be doing things that might be a little out of my comfort zone. Things such as no caffeine-no sugar and sex every other night, were kind of expected. But if you would have told me that I would become intimately familiar with my cervical mucus (CM) and would be using Canola Oil as a lubricant, I would have paid for your ticket to Crazy Town. Let me explain before you think the worst...well whatever you are thinking is probably about right.

Cervical Mucus: That lovely slimy mucus that assists the sperm's journey to the egg. You sometimes will find it on your underwear before your period. Well, even though I daily monitor my bbt and still use OPK's, but the texture and color of my CM is actually my best indicator of when I am ovulating. When it is the opaque color of an egg white and has nearly the same stretchy consistency, I have to grab my husband and get busy.
Yes, I do actually touch the slime to see if it stretches. If it is too runny or too thick that means I have either missed my peak ovulation days or I am too early. The first time I did this, last month, I was so grossed out. But I was also super excited too because I was ovulating!!!Unfortunately, Flor wasn't as excited about it as I was. In fact, he kind of freaked out and wasn't too eager to try to make a baby with me right then. Big Oops!!!! I guess he really needs only so much knowledge of the workings of my womanly parts. This month however, I steeled myself and refused to get grossed out. I also didn't feel the need to share it with my husband for which I am pretty sure he was grateful.
If nothing else comes from this journey, I at least have gotten to know myself and my body lots better and so has my poor, dear husband.

The Canola Oil Story!

Well, in all my research of things to increase my chances at conceiving, my husband and I over looked one major area. Lube! Research indicates that lubricants, even KY Jelly and Vaseline, actually hinder the sperms motility and can even cause them to die prematurely. A sperm friendly lubricant is recommended. Since I couldn't find any at the drugstore, I went online. I found two popular brands, Pre-Seed and another one I can't remember right now. I was all ready to purchase them when I saw the ridiculous price of $16.50 for Pre-Seed and nearly $20 for the other brand. As I have ranted before, I already spend a large amount of money each month on this journey and I wasn't looking forward to increasing the budget. I usually spend $1.50 on generic Walmart brand KY Jelly. I am too cheap to even splurge on those cool smelling warming lubes that are supposed to enhance my pleasure. Needless to say I wasn't thrilled about spending that much money on something I would probably finish in two weeks due to the fact I would be using it nearly every other night. Anyway while I was reading the customer reviews of the products on Amazon, I came across a few customers who said that using Canola Oil actually worked better. CANOLA OIL?? WHAT?? I am trying to make a baby not fry a chicken down there. However the more I read, the more curious I became and decided to try it. Walmart has its own brand of Canola Oil, so it only cost about $2.50. A little more than KY but hey, I can deal with that. Once again I made the mistake of sharing this new found information with my husband. And again he freaked out a bit. He was adamant against using something used for cooking in the bedroom. Even when I told him the price of the others he still wasn't convinced. He said he would rather use nothing at all. Um...ouch! No thank you! So feeling discouraged I accepted his decision and didn't bring it up again. UNTIL I came up with another brilliant plan. You may think I am being deceitful or manipulative, but hey unless you were put in my situation you shouldn't judge. Anyway, I decided to empty the tube of KY Jelly and rinse it out thoroughly and then refilled it with Canola oil. It has been a month and Flor hasn't noticed a difference. Manipulative...maybe, but I prefer to call resourceful! I plan on telling him one day and I am sure we will have good laugh.

Well folks, that's all for today. I'll post again soon!


Love and Canola oil,
Brandy