The Dirty Thirty and Childless!

Today is my thirtieth year on this earth. As I look back over my three decades of life, I realize how blessed I am. I have a wonderful Savior. I have wonderful biological and extended families. (More than any girl deserves to have). I have a wonderful husband whom I adore and he feels the same for me...sigh! I attended a great college and met many great people and made some life long friends. I have traveled to varies cities and countries. I have more opportunities, than most girls who grew up in Smalltown, Vermont. I haved loved my life. Even the tough years, that I used to wish I could change or forget. On this day, I have to remind myself that I am more than just an empty womb. I have dreaded this birthday because I thought it was a scary reminder that I am thirty and have no child. Statistics say that conception becomes more difficult for woman in their thirties. If I was having so much trouble in my twenties, what can I expect in my thirties? I think this is why I am so serious about doing all I can to increase my chances of having a baby. A lady I was talking to the other day said that maybe I should take four years of trying without success as a sign that I shouldn't have a baby. At first I felt like I had been slapped and I had to bite my tongue. I mean, of all the people in the world who shouldn't have a baby, surely I am not one of them. I can't imagine not having a child in my life. I am sure she meant her comment to be helpful, and not to offend. She probably looked at as though I am putting myself through unnecessary heartache. Later, as I pondered her statement, I wondered if she might be right. Is my inability to get pregnant a sign that maybe I shouldn't have a baby? Could it maybe be to protect me from the heartache of actually becoming pregnant and being able to carry to term? Is it a protection of my own life, is it possible that having a baby could be terminal for me? All these thoughts swirled around my mind and began to break my heart. When I talked to my husband about it. He gave me another to way to think about it. He said "Bran, maybe it's just to test your endurance. You have a tendancy to give up on things that don't come easily." (those of you who know me, know this is true). "Instead of this being a sign that you shouldn't have kids, let it be a reminder that anything worth having is worth working for. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, but atleast you can say you tried everything and you didn't give up. If it does happen you have set a great example for our child." Do you all see why I married him?? I told you he was wonderful. So, even thought it hasn't happened yet, I still believe with all my heart that God will give me a child one day. I am going to do my part to keep myself healthy, strong and fertile. And even if I am forty and still childless I will keep on this journey, until it is abundantly clear that a child is not going to be a part of my life. All I can do is trust, endure and praise, and those I will do.