One Day at a Time!

"One day at a time!" This is the motto of Alcoholics Anonymous, but I am converting it to be the motto of my newly formed grouped: Infertiles R US! The reason I say this is because dealing with infertility is a day by day process. I have good days, I have bad days, and I have days that I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Everyday is a stuggle to get out of bed and stick to my new way of life.
At first, the difficulty we had ttc didn't affect our lives too much. We went about our days eating the same, acting the same, working at our stress inducing jobs. We both just figured it would happen eventually, no biggie. (I think with all the trouble I had with my menstrual cycle as a teenager; I kind of new I would have a bit of difficulty conceiving, but I figured there was no reason on earth that God wouldn't give me a baby. I was born to be a mother!) Even after a year of trying, we didn't really get serious about it. It wasn't until I started taking care of my eighth month old (at the time) nephew, that the pangs of desire increased and I became more determined than ever to have a baby. I wen't to my doctor and pretty much demanded he do something to make my periods come regularly. He said he would prescribe me the pill. "Um...I don't want the pill because I want to have a baby," I told him. His response was the same as all the doctors in the past. "Lose some weight, and then your cycle will return." That was when he decided to test me for PCOS. Once diagnosed he prescribed treatment...diet, excercise and supplements. Because my weight borderlined on obese for my size and height, he didn't want to start any fertility treatments yet. His recommended diet was low-carb. He wanted me to lose ten percent of my weight before trying fertility treatments. I stuck to the diet and lost twenty five pounds in three months. My period came once during that time. Then we began our first round Clomid. This is when my club officially started, and my life changed forever.

"One day at a time." An infertiles' journey to parenthood is a long one, dependant upon daily decisions and reliance on God. Everyday that I wake up I am forced to make the choice of whether or not the day will be dedicated to increasing my chances for a baby. The small choice between eating a bowl of Cheerios w/blueberries and organic milk or going to McDonalds for a sausage biscuit and coke, is a struggle. You may think this is silly, but for a girl who loves food and has the rolls of fat to show it, it's a hard decision. One choice increases my chances at motherhood, while the other hinders it, yet some days I take the Cheerios (I did today) and some days I take the biscuit. It is the same choice I have to make about excercising. I loathe excercise, because I am by nature, a lazy person. Some days I excercise and someday's I don't even though I know my chances to have baby depend that I choose correctly.
Perhaps the biggest battle I face daily is my attitude about my situation. Somedays I am content, positive, eager for the challenge of increasing my fertility. I face the day head on, the world is my oyster! But somedays I am angry! (I'm ashamed to say that these days are fairly frequent). I am angry at God for not making me normal; I am angry at myself for allowing food to become an addiction and getting fat; angry that everyone I know is either pregnant, or already has kids. I get angry at my husband when he says stuff like "I want a baby." Or "Let's make a baby," as if by him saying it out loud it will happen. Other days I am heartbroken! I cry at the drop of a hat; I stay in bed all day. I feel like I am a disappointment to my husband. I believe I am the last childless person on earth. I feel like I am alone and no one understands my plight. I think, why keep trying? It's never going to happen! I wallow in self pity like a child who has been left out of a club that all the cool kids are in. (In essence, that is exactly what infertility feels like.)
"One day at a time!" I wish I could say I make the right decisions everyday, but I am human and I don't. I can say that every night before I go to bed, regardless of the day I had; I purpose that tomorrow will be a good day. I will be content, happy and healthy. When I started this journey, I went into it guns ablazing, I was so sure that my idea about how to increase my fertility without doctors was going work. I still feel like it will, but that pesky, impatient part of me wants it to work now. I know it's going to take more than a month, but I am not going to lie, a part of me actually thought that just by commiting to this journey and being positive about it would make it happen immediately. So ultimately, I am disappointed that it hasn't. However, I know it will happen when it happens and until then I will take "One day at a time!"